Sorrow.

My grandmother was laid to rest on January 14th, next to my grandpa. The funeral service was very nice, if one can be. It was very personal, with laughter and lots of tears. My brother, sister, SIL, 2 cousins and I were the pallbearers. Our family is small, we were the only ones that there were really to pick from.

I still struggle with sadness from losing her. Not just her, but the people I've lost before her and the people I will lose before I die myself. The thought is terrifying to me. I know it is a part of life...but I hate it. I suppose we all do. I feel like I'm a really strong person in almost all things. I probably only cry twice a year under normal "life" circumstances. But the one area that I feel like a giant bowl of mush is in dealing with death and loss. I don't have the right tools in my tool box to fix that or deal with it properly. I feel helpless and angry.

My most significant losses prior to this were of my two best friends, Amy and Mike. I lost Amy when we were 25 to a car accident. I lost Mike when he was 32 to a heart attack (most likely brought on by the stress of finding out he had cancer). Mike is/was the God-father of my oldest daughter. And now my grandma. My grandma wasn't just someone I saw a few times a year. I lived with her when I was a young child (along with my mom), and then again when I was 21 until I bought my first home at age 24 or so. She loved me and supported me and all the things I wanted to do. We got along so well and she was the best cook ever. She was funny and kind. She knew practically everyone in the town we lived in. Even as life got crazy busy for me and she moved to a care facility, there was never a week that went by without us spending time with her. She leaves a hole in my heart.

I feel really bad for my mom and aunt M. too. They were with her each and every day. She was loved. They took care of her. Their lives were altered around her needs for the last few years. And now they don't have her to take care of. She was their mom...of my aunt A. too of course. I can't imagine the size of the hole that leaves. Even if there is some comfort in knowing she's done struggling.

Peace

My grandmother passed away late last night, shortly after I wrote the post about her. I'm relieved in a way so that now she can be in peace, but the sadness of losing her is settling in all of us. This is the first loss my kids have had of someone close to them. It's just hard. So hard.

Sadness.

This post is sad. And mostly for me. To vent. To get it out. You can skip it. I would if I were you.

My grandma is not going to make it. Everything went wrong for her. She developed pneumonia while she was in the hospital and everything just started piling up..as in she started down a road that is not she is not going to recover from. She's too weak, too fragile to save. She cannot physically handle the procedures that they would have had to do to save her if she were stronger. So they stopped. They are just trying to make her comfortable now. She's in hospice. It's bad. The worst.

I'm so sad and angry. I don't know why I'm angry...other than because she has to suffer. And I am not handling this well. I internalize the pain. With the kids and work I have places I need to be. Or excuses I can use. I'm alone in the office this week while my bosses are all out in DC. I have to handle everything. Part of me is thankful for the distraction. Part of me thinks I should be sitting in her room with her, holding her hand like my mom and aunt are. But I can't. Not because of work. I can't because I don't want to be there. It hurts too much. I don't want to see it. I don't want to watch the slow deterioration of life that is happening as we all sit around and wait...for death.

I have been there each day, but only briefly since Saturday. Today was the worst. It's like she's down to just the basic life functions, and they are becoming difficult too. Breathe in, breathe out. Labored. Gurgly. I can't stand it. The sound haunts me. I wanted to roll around on the floor and cry, scream, something. Every fiber of my being wanted to run from the room. I wanted to go out. To get away from the noise. From the sight. So frail. So...near death. But I just sat there. Trying to hold it in. Letting only a few tears escape down my cheeks. I kept the kids out in the waiting room. I want to shield them from this. They saw her yesterday. She was much more peaceful then. Now she is still asleep, but struggling.

I can't let it out of me. So stupid stuff happens. Like panic attacks where I feel like I'm having a heart attack. I stood outside in my nightgown for a good 10 minutes, freezing, just so I could feel something other than this suffocating feeling of hopelessness. I keep feeling like I'm getting numb. Literally, my face in patches and my legs feel numb like they're asleep. I don't know what the hell that is from, but I'm sure it is another way the stress is seeping out. I can cry while I sit here typing so this is probably good.

I guess I was hoping for a miracle. That they would take the life-saving measures away and something would kick in on it's own. She'd just wake up and eat and drink and get well. I was hanging on to that. But tonight, it's gone. There is no hope. There is only a small amount of time left and she will be here no more. It hurts. I know she'll be better off. I hold on to the thought that she'll be back with the man she loved so much, who was taken from her when he was just 47. My grandpa. I have to believe in that.

She has not been "well" for a few years now but even so every now and then you would catch a glimpse of that feisty Norwegian woman who made me laugh and loved me so much. I could feel it...in everything she did. From saving the ends of her famous ginger snap cookie dough for me to helping with tuition at college. My oldest daughter and I lived with her until I was able to buy my first home. She loved us being with her. I used to love taking her out to eat and the kids adored their "Nana B". She loved me and I will miss her for the rest of my life. I pray for peace for her. For the end of her suffering. If she cannot get well, please let her go peacefully.

My Grandmother

My grandma got out of the hospital just after Christmas and ended up back in there this week. Another medication issue...this time much worse than last. She's not out of the woods yet. I feel so awful for her. Her face and tongue were so swollen she couldn't shut her mouth...she had trouble breathing and everything. Some allergic reaction to some medication. She's on so many. I don't know how my mom and aunt M. find the strength to handle the stress of watching their mother go through that. It's hard for me and I'm not nearly as involved as they are. I feel guilty about that...not being able to share the...what's the word? Responsibility? I work so much and have the 3 kids to take care of. But I think part of me doesn't want to be there either...I want to cry all the time when I see her like that. It sounds so selfish. It's not practical for me to hang out there though...by the time I get home from work and get the kids some supper it's after 7. But still, I feel like I should be doing more.

I went to see her last night...she was pretty good when we were there...the swelling had gone down from when I was there the day before. But today was worse again. She has fluid building up. Please, pray for my sweet grandma Berit. I hate seeing her suffer so much and I just want her to get better. I love her so much it hurts.

I was touched by the crotcheted "prayer shawl" that was on her lap in the hospital. I'm not sure when she received it, but she knew that one of the pastors at church had brought it to her. I had never heard of a prayer shawl. As I sat there with her I looked at that hand made mini-blanket and imaged the hands of the person who made it. I wondered about the prayers that were said as it was made and designated. I felt some comfort with that laying over her as she lay there so frail...almost like it is proof of God's love draped over her. I am grateful to the person who made it and the church for bringing it over.

I hate crying. I have a headache and a lump in my throat when I think about it. MK is having a really hard time with it too. She wrote a very touching poem about her. She speaks on paper what my heart couldn't put into words so well. I'm not ready to lose her and I'm scared. More scared than I ever have been before. There was just something about the look in her eyes. Please pray for her. Thank you.

Christmas

Here is a video of Lil Brother at his Christmas program. I started laughing when he did his little trick and that's why the camera is so shaky. Sorry about that. :D




Christmas this year was excellent, with the exception of my grandma being in the hospital. She had a medication issue that caused a series of problems so she spent 3 days in there. I feel so bad for her. She got out today finally. We went to see her tonight. She seemed pretty good in spirit...she has some bruising from the monkeying around they were doing with her blood thinner I guess...and she is bone skinny. If you are so inclined, do say a prayer that she will get some sort of an appetite back. She is far underweight and it scares me...it's not healthy at all and she keeps loosing more.

I had Friday and Monday off of work so that was awesome. Friday my aunt and mom came over and we made cookies....the kind my grandma used to make. Norwegian Krumkake is a very delicate cookie that is best when filled with whipped cream.

Almond ginger snaps are another family favorite:

I'm pretty sure I gained about 5 pounds in the last 4 days. So much good food. We had Christmas Eve at my aunt's house with my mom's side of the family and Christmas day was at my house with my dad's side of the family.

Here are a few pictures:

Christmas 2011, a set on Flickr.

On Friday a pair of Bald Eagles showed up right behind my house. I took this picture from my bedroom window. I just love to see them. When I was a kid there were not any around - it was a very rare sight to see them here. Now they are making a good come-back and I'm so glad.

I got three main gifts for Christmas - we draw names in my family....but everyone buys for the kids under 18. I asked for and received a blender...a quite awesome blender, an Ninja Professional - like this one:

You can't make it out clearly, but there are 3 rows of VERY sharp blades. While taking it out of the box on Sunday I managed to cut my finger. Deep. Like it opened up over and over on Sunday, bleeding. And once today as well. So I'm guessing it is way better than the one that I had before - my old one used to stink like something burning while it ran, it was way too loud, and it would vibrate off the counter if you didn't hang on tight to it.

I also got a heater for my living room from my dad and he always gets something cool too - this year it was a Soda Stream pop maker. You make your own soda pop at home. I heard about it on the radio and wanted to try it, until I found out the price. Now we have it, without the initial investment. The kids LOVE it. It's so simple. No electricity or batteries needed. Just the CO2 tank. So far we've tried cola and orange flavored. They are good. The cola tastes like Pepsi to me...and I'm a coke drinker but the orange is yummy!

The kids made out like bandits of course. They really loved all their presents. The girls are at that age where they are pretty fun to buy for. My aunt M. got them both clothes that they have already worn and love. MK got a lot of fun earrings too. Peanut loves the watch my dad got her. It lights up in bright changing colored lights around the outside. MK got the movies she asked for so she's watching one now. Little brother...hard to say which is his favorite...but he's now sleeping with 2 Angry birds (the red and the blue), he played his Leap Frog Explorer for a few hours already, and he's wearing his Angry Bird T-shirt I got him tomorrow to daycare. He also loves his cars - the hot wheels are all the rage right now with him....and he asked to wear his new clothes both yesterday and today. Happy, happy kids. Happy, happy mom.

I have the best extended family ever. My uncle surprised us all with 100 dollar bills too. I asked him if he won the lottery...he said no. :) That was awesome (and much needed and appreciated).

Today the girls and I met up with my aunt M., my cousins, and my sister for a movie - the Sherlock Holmes one. I have not seen the first one, but this one was great! Little Bro couldn't go since it's not a kids movie, so he got to spend some time at my brother's house. He really likes seeing my brother and his family, so I'm so glad that he could go over there. He doesn't get to very often. I hope as my niece is getting bigger, she'll get to come over to our house more often too. She's so darn cute! Here's a picture I took of her at Christmas:

Tomorrow it's back to work. Sad face. But happy to have a job to go to.

Zooey Mama!* Longer post...lots going on!

What a weekend! It started early Friday with Hollywood getting braces put on. Unfortunately they hurt her quite a bit and she had a hard time all weekend. They have 2 brackets on the inside of her last molars on top which rubbed a hole in her tongue on each side. :(

Friday evening Little Brother had a Christmas program. It was really cute. He didn't sing at all. He was so funny to watch though. I was worried he would cry, but he didn't. He was too interested in watching everyone else to remember to sing. He also found a couple coins in his pocket and tried to show me and the kids around him. I don't know where they came from. I only took a couple pictures and the rest is on video. Here's one though.

And here we are having cookies and juice afterwards in the fellowship hall.

I may post a video later...too tired right now.

Saturday I got up early, cooked, cleaned and got ready for MK's birthday party. That started at noon. She had family and several friends over for pizza, pop, and a DQ ice cream cake.

She took her friends on a tour...showing them our little barn with her chickens...they were pretty impressed with the egg that one of them laid. She took them on a walk to our pond behind the house...and showed them her gecko and hermit crabs. Then most of us (9 kids & 9 adults) went snow tubing in the afternoon. That was AWESOME! We got a picture before we left, but 3 of our group had left a little early to go to another engagement so they are not in here.

I'm the one in the red jacket...the same height as some of the shorter kids. :D My cousins, brother, sister-in-law, sister, aunt, 5 of MK's friends, MK, Hollywood and her best friend are all here (my SIL is taking the picture - thank goodness she had her camera phone with). Everyone said it was really fun and I think they all had a good time.

Let me tell you about it from my perspective...first off, I'm over-weight. Like the most over-weight I have ever been in my entire life. We're talking 25 pounds more than I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant with my last child. Ya, lard ass type of over weight. I stood looking down at the hill wondering if I had the strength to be able to pull my ass back up the hill. It took a while for me to get the courage to go down the first time.

They have a type of pulley system with a rope to get from the bottom to the top. It's pretty basic. I mean like....there's a tractor that runs the pulley system with it's PTO...hooked up to a tire that spins the rope and I'm pretty sure some of the pulley wheels were rims. Like from tires. The tubes as you can see in the picture are from tires. Not the fancy blow up kind you buy at a sporting goods store. Nope...these were watch-out-for-the-metal-valve-stem kind of tires. Not all of them, just one of the ones I got stuck with for a bit. The others had plastic valve stems.

The rope lays on the ground on the way up the hill...you throw your tube down, grab the rope and then jump on your tube and hang onto that rope for dear life. God forbid you start losing your grip and the icy rope starts slipping through your hands. You're screwed then. You better roll off the side and get the hell out of the way of the person coming up behind you. There's no one to direct you as to when you should get on after the last person. You just wing it. There is a woman standing in a booth at the top watching so she can stop it if anything too terrible happens.

I made it up the hill every time. Do you know why? Because looking up at that hill while you're on the way up and realizing that if you slip, you'll have to WALK all the way up gives you a really good reason to hang on for the whole trip. There was one time when I over-shot my tube so it was basically under just my waist and legs...I had to hold my whole body up and hang on to the rope to get up there. I thought for sure my muscles were going to rip away from the bone. I made it though. I can barely move today...but I did it! It was a really fun time with family and MK's friends. I love her friends. They are all sweet and nice like she is.

We got back to my house around 7:15 pm. I heated up the sloppy joe's I had made that morning and got out the chicken salad I had made too. The girls all had some supper and then most of them went home. A few stayed over night. They all had left by noon today (Sunday).

I went Christmas shopping for a bit with MK's dad after the kids left. He called me and asked me to since he was clueless what to get her. I met him in the town where I live and guided him in his choices for a teen girl. :) It was actually pretty enjoyable. I'm glad he and I can be friends. It's much easier for all involved.

I was home in time to give the kids supper and I brought home some meds for Hollywood's sore mouth. I got more wax for her brackets, some numbing gel that the pharmacist recommended for her tongue and some soft foods & ice cream for her to eat. She was finally then able to eat a whole meal for the first time since Friday. It was a chicken pot pie. I hope her mouth adjusts soon. I feel so bad for her. It's hard for her to see the value in it right now, but I know in the long run it is worth it (from experience). I was thankful we were so busy this weekend to keep her mind off of it.

*Zooey mama is what Hollywood and MK always say from the movie Diary of a Whimpy Kid (I don't know how to spell it). :)

Whirlwind

Things are going really fast this week. I took some Christmas pictures of the kids...the group shots did NOT go well. Little Brother was uncooperative most of the time...sometimes being silly (like pinching noses and laughing maniacally)and sometimes just being...three. When he was cooperating some one else either wasn't looking, had just two teeth showing, or was holding a limb in an odd position. I spent most of the time being irritated at how is wasn't going. LOL. I did it two different days with him, so the first day with just him went pretty well. Here's a few that didn't make the Christmas card this year but are cute/funny anyway.

On the list for tomorrow:

Work half the day...leave to go get Hollywood and take her to get her braces on! Exciting for her! Pick up MK from school and Lil Bro from daycare, head home to eat supper and then Lil' Bro has his very first Christmas program that he is participating in tomorrow evening. I'm excited about it! Then it's back home to clean the house because....

Saturday:
MK's birthday party! The celebrating starts at noon....we're all going snow tubing in the afternoon (except Lil Bro - he's too little for this one - he'll be at Grandma's) and then back home for hot chocolate and snacks until their parents come get them. I can't wait!