Happy New Year!

My first post of the year. And it's only January 4th! I've been so busy I have not been able sit down and write anything. Even now I feel a little guilty doing this when I have so much other stuff to do. Well first, let me recap our December...always a whirl wind.

First came Little Brother's adoption anniversary. He was in a Christmas program at our church the same night that we celebrated. I don't think he enjoys the spotlight much...he walked all the way down the isle with both hands over his face hiding it. I thought...uh oh. I figured he wouldn't sing at all after that entrance, but he did. He had been singing the songs at home for weeks before - he loves to sing and even taught me some of the songs that I had not heard before. He did great! Except for maybe the booger picking incident just after the kids were dismissed to go with their families. The picking wasn't as bad as the eating part. I think he was nervous...he doesn't usually pick his nose and eat it. I swear! Our family noticed it, but hopefully others were looking at their own kid. :D

Anywho, after the program we all headed over to my house to eat cake and watch a video I made for him. The cake was ho-hum, but the video was a hit. Can't believe it's been 4 years since I was in Vietnam meeting this sweet little baby boy.

Just a little later in December my first born, my beautiful spitfire daughter, turned 17. I am so happy that she is such a good kid. She is nearing adulthood, but she is still a kid. Still innocent and naive in ways that I wish more teens her age were. She is full of compassion for both animals and people with a huge heart.

Her birthday is close to Christmas and usually we have her party a few weeks before just to move it away from the craziness of the holidays. We waited this year so that my dear aunt Anne from Idaho could join us. We got together for supper (I made some yummy pork carnitas with lime & cilantro rice) and then we played some really fun games...like drawing a chicken with a blindfold on...and transferring M&M's out of one bowl and into your cup using only a straw...and a game where you try to keep your orange safe while your opponent tries to knock it off your spoon. Great fun. My mom won that game. We even had prizes (scented candles) for the winners.

Here is how the final 2 rounds of the orange game went - my mom vs. my sister in law and then my mom vs. my brother. :D

It was nice to spend time with the family. We celebrated Christmas with my mom and her side on Christmas Eve and then I had Christmas at my house with my siblings, my dad and my aunt J. It was really nice. I think we all had a nice time and I didn't break any dishes in the pan of sweet potatoes or any other pan this year. Yay me!

We exchange names for the adults in my family on my mom's side, but we all buy for all of the kids. My kids got so many awesome things from my relatives. I was proud to be able to afford to give the kids each nice things this year (thank you Dave Ramsey for helping me change my life with regards to finances!). I got some really nice things too! Like some clothes shopping money, a food processor to make my famous salsa with (my old one was a borrowed hand-crank one), new wooden spoons, and the awesomest mats for my kitchen. I have plantar fasciitis and I spend a lot of time baking/cooking so they feel like heaven on my feet! Christmas is my favorite holiday.

New Year's Eve we got together again at my house. My mom, dad, siblings, aunt and uncle all came over. My dad brought a Porketta roast and jumbo shrimp that we made into shrimp scampi. So heavenly. We had some homemade wine that my dad made - he made it extra sweet the way we like it. I also tried some Strawberry wine that I loved. I am not a wine drinker, so it was great that I found 2 that I liked in one night! We played Yahtzee and laughed, talked, and hung out together. I seriously have the BEST extended family. Even though my parents are divorced, they get a long great and my dad and my mom's boyfriend are also friendly to each other.

So now it is the 4th of January. I keep trying to take the tree down, but somebody always protests. Today it was lil bro. He said I should leave it up...because it's beautiful. He showed me all the things he liked on it - like how the bulbs make him and everything reflected in it look different colors. He's sick today so I figured I'd let him enjoy it one more day while he laid on the couch watching SpongeBob. :)

Huh...so this is what 40 feels like.

I turned 40. I'm officially getting old. Let's take a look back at my first 40 years of life, shall we?

I was born back when Elvis was still alive. And he wasn't fat yet.



I remember my mom singing the song "American Pie" - it spent 4 weeks at #1 in 1972.



Hmmm....my childhood. My mom was young when she had me...18 years old to be exact. And she was a single mom...in 1972 that was not as acceptable as it is now. But my mom was strong, wise, and a great mother. She took really good care of me and until I was about 6 we lived mostly with my grandparents. She had gone to beauty school and I remember her doing my grandma's hair with curlers a lot. I remember her doing a few other people's hair too, and mine but she never took a job in a salon doing that. I also remember going with her on her visits selling Avon. She also worked in the lab of a local cheese plant until I was a teenager.

I think I was in Kindergarten when my mom met and married my dad. He adopted me. My biological father...wasn't in the picture and gave up his rights so my dad could adopt me. I actually remember being at my adoption hearing in court. I think the judge asked me if I wanted to be adopted. I said yes..I didn't really understand the whole thing, just that he was going to be my dad and I liked that since I didn't have one. I remember in 1st grade (I think) learning to write my new last name. I liked my new name because it was a lot easier to pronounce for people than my old one. They still had trouble with my first name, but at least they could get my last name right. It also moved me up toward the beginning of the alphabet for when we lined up in school too. :)

When I was in 2nd grade I had a gold fish....I remember this mostly from a picture my mom took of me feeding it in our first house - a trailer house on some acreage up the road from my grandparent's farm. I remember when my sister was born - I was about 8. I was with my aunt M. at her cheer-leading practice because my mom was in the hospital having a baby. I remember her using a pay phone in the school to find out how things were going and she got really excited and said that the baby was born. We went to see her. My baby sister was cute and had bright red hair - lots of it.

My grandpa had died just before my 6th birthday in a farming accident. It was while I was still in elementary school that my mom and dad bought the farm from my grandma. We moved there and I LOVED it. I was reunited with my dog that we got on the farm when I was 5. I loved pets. My dad had been a milk truck driver (my mom met him at work at the cheese plant) and he decided to farm. When I was growing up we had lots of pigs and beef cattle. I remember my dad saying we had 150 head of pigs. I'm not sure how many cattle we had, but there were plenty. I had lots of chores to do - feeding pigs, holding them while my dad castrated the males (not my favorite job), clipping their eye teeth, clipping their tails, giving them shots when needed, cleaning pens, feeding the cattle, and feeding the calves when we bought them.

not one of our actual calves...stock photo. LOL

That was probably my favorite job - feeding the calves. Have you ever fed a calf milk replacer out of a bucket? We didn't have those fancy giant bottles...we had to get in there and help them learn how to suck it right out of a bucket. You fill an ice cream pail with milk (milk replacer powder and water mixed), dip your fingers in the milk, then you let the calves taste it by sticking your fingers up to the calf's mouth...they will start sucking by instinct since they want milk. Then while they are sucking on your fingers (and they suck HARD!) lower your hand into the bucket of milk you are holding up to them. Then slowly pull your fingers out of their mouth and if they get it right away they will keep sucking the milk from the bucket. However, they also nudge their mom's utter REALLY HARD normally so they do the same to the bucket when it starts getting low. If you're not prepared it can send it flying. So hang on! :)

We had lots of out-buildings and lots of things to do on the farm. I was never bored, that's for sure. I was like my father's son...and very much a tom-boy. From a young age I worked in the field, I stacked hay in the barn, and took care of the animals. Like a lot of farmers, my dad had to work at jobs besides farming so a lot of the chores were left to me. He had a trucking company of his own for a while and then he took 2nd shift at a local manufacturing company. I did the evening chores since he was gone. By this time my brother had been born. I was 10 years older than him. He was the cutest, sweetest little blond-haired boy. I took care of them a lot when I was a kid too.

When I reached about 7th grade I went through a rough patch...without going into too many details, the results were that my grades suffered, I dropped old friends and picked up new ones, my parent's marriage was in trouble, I no longer enjoyed helping on the farm and instead spent as much time away from home as possible...going to friends houses and anywhere but home. This lasted for a few years. In high school my parents got divorced. For some people that sounds horrible, but for me it was....relief. My mom eventually bought a little house not far from the farm and my brother, sister, and I moved there. It wasn't easy for my mom. We went back to being broke. My grades went back up to A's and I stuck with a few good friends and dropped the bad ones. I got my first car (an old one) as a gift from a relative and my first job - at Taco John's. From there things kind of went in fast-forward until now.

I don't know when it happened. You know, when I grew up. I remember thinking when I was 23 and had my first child - holy shit! This baby depends on ME. Only ME. I am responsible for another human being's life. I'm still a kid inside! But, having her - my first born, my little girl, is what gave me the motivation to do better. I knew from child development class and child psychology in college that children need stability in their lives most of all. I learned from my mom how to love a child unconditionally. I knew that I loved this baby and had to protect her from all the bad in the world and provide a stable home for her. I lived with my grandma for the first 2 years of her life and saved up money to buy a home. I bought our first house and we moved in, right in town.

My 2nd daughter was born when we lived in that house too. The house was small though. It was a 2 bedroom with a 3rd bedroom added on, but you had to walk through one of the other bedrooms to get to the 3rd bedroom. Kinda weird. I wanted more space and I hated living in town with neighbors on all sides of me. I'm a country girl and city living (even in a small town) just doesn't cut it.

I talked to my dad about buying some land from him. There is a pond on some of my dad's farm and I always loved going down there for walks when I was a kid. I would sit in an old deer stand and listen to nature. I pitched him the idea of building a house there and he said yes! So I bought some acreage and built a house when my kids were about 5 and 1-1/2. I searched designs/floor plans on the internet and found a couple I really loved. A good friend of mine had gotten his builder's license and I had him take a look at them. We met with an architect and decided on a plan...tweaked it a bit and boom - started building. I put my house up for sale and 3 days later it sold. I rented until my house finally got done....11 months later. New builder = bad idea. Friend builder = even worse. Lesson learned.

Now I am a mother of 3. My son joined our family when my daughters were 12 and 8. He came into our family by adoption. It's funny how when you have one child you can never imagine loving another human being as much as you do that child. I felt that way - when I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd child...it felt odd...I didn't quite know how I would handle loving another child with my whole heart like I did the first one. How can you love that much? Won't your heart just explode at some point? And then my 2nd child was born..I stared into her eyes for HOURS UPON HOURS after she was born...and fell completely, madly in love with her. When I decided to adopt...I had decided when I was a teenager that I would adopt someday....but when you're a parent and you know what you're in for and you decide to have another child (by birth or adoption or whatever)...I just knew I would love this new child the same way as I did with my 1st and 2nd. Your heart doesn't love your other children less, it just grows more to love them the same amount. I'm not sure when it happened, really....with my 3rd child.

I know my heart grew that day I received his referral. I was at work...I got an email from my adoption agency saying they had matched me with a little boy. I was scared & nervous to open the attached pictures. Before I did, I forwarded the email to my mom and called her so we could open it "together". I shut the door to my office, and opened the attachments. This is what I saw:

I burst into tears. He was so cute! He was alert - looking right into the camera...reaching for it perhaps. It was July 14th 2008 when I got his referral. He was about 4 months old in the pictures. I couldn't go to get him until December 2008. Then I saw him again....through the window of the orphanage. I spotted him right away. He was on his tummy on a bed next to a nanny and some other babies.

This is when my heart grew some more....and in the days that followed knowing this little baby boy was handed over to my care and I was now fully responsible for another sweet gift from God, my heart grew even bigger...loving him the same way I do my first two.

I remember joking with my aunt M. (who came with me to Vietnam) that I went to VN and they just handed me a baby! How strange that seemed to me...that someone would just hand you a baby...the most precious gift - the most vulnerable, precious gift to the world that ever could be...and here he was. Mine. Wow. I am still in awe of the gift I have received. (Sidebar - if you just happened to stumble on this blog...they don't actually just hand out babies in VN or anywhere else...it took lots of paperwork, background checks, home checks, money, and 2 years to adopt. Just sayin'.)

I would have included more pictures of the girls, but I didn't have a PC or digital camera when they were little. But here we are....all 4 of us. I feel pretty complete now. I have GREAT kids. It's not easy being a single parent...sometimes I feel stretched thin. But it is WORTH IT. I don't do it "half-assed" as my first boss would say. I do it whole-heartedly, full time, all day, every day. My heart is worn outside of my body...in three separate places all at once. Terrifying, but so worth it.

I love my life, I love my kids, and I love my family. I wonder what the next half of my life will bring?

I am celebrating turning 40 with friends and family at my favorite place to eat and then we're heading over to a place called Feed My Starving Children where we'll pack food to be sent to starving children all over the world. I can't wait! :)

All Aboard!!!

I am a bad blogger. Sorry it's been so long. I've been caught up in life. First some sad news to get off my chest. Remember our kitty Natalie? I posted a picture of her in my last post. Well, she went missing and is feared dead. I'm so sad. So sad that she's not here and so sad for Hollywood - she was her cat and she's just heartbroken. She's been gone over a month.

We've had some bad luck with pets lately. One of MK's chickens somehow got inside of our dog's fenced in area today and was killed by Brutus. I was so mad! MK was so upset. I took it away from him and we buried her. The chicken's name was Vera. She was one of the really cool chickens - we have a few that are very friendly and inquisitive. This is Vera below just a week or so ago.

I get that Brutus is only doing what his breed of dogs do....but it is still so upsetting. Chickens have personalities and we all get attached to certain ones - she was one of them. MK took it really hard. The chickens are just starting to lay eggs (the ones we got this spring).

Anyway, on to some happier news...well, I still have a job. Yay me. However, we are slow...so 3 weeks ago I got word that my job was going to be cut by 20%...I told them that was fine - but I wasn't going to work 100% and get paid 80% - so I'm now working 4 days a week. I pulled Lil Brother out of daycare 2 days a week to help compensate for the loss of income. He comes to work with me one day and stays with me the other. I also was able to pick up another part time job doing bookkeeping on the side. So yes, now that's 3 jobs.

I'm a little nervous...I have offers for 2 other part time jobs doing bookkeeping too....and I'm toying around with the idea of not going back to work full time (if they allow it). If I stay 4 days a week and work for other clients on the other day(s) I may be able to make more money than if I went back full time. If I am there 4 days a week I'll still be eligible for benefits, so that won't be an issue. This could be the push I need to start working for myself. I'm just not 100% convinced that I should go for it yet and I struggle with what to charge per hour. A former CPA that I work with said not to charge less than $40 per hour, but that seems steep to me. I know I have to charge at least $30 or $35 to make it worth it with traveling at times...I just don't know.

I have also discovered a life-changing financial path...Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. The church that the kids and I started going to offered a course in it and I had heard of Dave Ramsey from my (wise) aunt. So it caught my eye. I signed up for it and I'm telling you what, it has already made a HUGE difference in everything for me. This reduction in pay is totally manageable because I have the tools I need to get through it. Budgeting - telling my money where it is going to go and planning for things. I have never in my life planned things out like I am now. Dave Ramsey gets you motivated & gives you...basically a blue print to success. I LOVE IT. I've just finished week 5 of the 9 week course. So worth it!

Okay, kid updates and pictures....

MK - She's a huge music fan. Just before school started I took MK and Hollywood to see Blake Shelton at the MN State Fair. That was Hollywood's first concert. Hollywood got a t-shirt from this concert - had to it was her first!

MK really wanted to see Josh Turner, so my aunt M. was nice enough to buy her ticket for her b-day coming up and we went to the Josh Turner concert together when he was in MN last month. That was really good! He's a country singer that MK really likes. I would describe him as a Randy Travis-like voice with better songs and no drunken driving or nudity incidents. The venue was smaller and we got to see him so much better - MK really loved it and so did I. She got a t-shirt too.

A really fuzzy picture I took with my cell phone in the dark. LOL


MK's school work is going great! She' so busy. She took the PSAT's recently. She's taking 1 AP English course and 1 College Speaking course right now...she's thinking she may do PSEO for her senior year next year. Such an exciting time for her life. She also recently got her first car. My old one. :) I bought a new (used) one for me and passed my old trusty one down to her.

Dance has started and she still loves it. They're first show is in December and then competition starts in Januray.

Hollywood -

My kids all amaze me. I think Hollywood is really pushing herself this year. She's getting great grades and she's in swimming in school too. She's just started confirmation classes at our new church as well. I know it gets to her some days...too much going on all the time. But swimming is ending in just a couple days and then her schedule will get much easier.



I caught her eye before one of her races. :)

 Recently Hollywood and I took a cake decorating class together. It was so fun! It was with fondant - and we made our own fondant, colored it, and designed a cake. We looked up pictures on the internet of other people's cakes for inspiration and decided on a John Deere theme since it was my dad's birthday the next day. He's a farmer whose blood runs green. ;)  Here are a couple pictures of Hollywood decorating our cake. She did most of the work, I just helped.

I'd say she's pretty talented. One day maybe we can own a bakery together. :)

Lil Bro -

He's in preschool 3 days per week. The teachers have commented about him being so smart. He is - super smart. How did I get so lucky to have 3 super smart kids? He is also an excellent artist. His specialty is Angry Birds. He paints them, draws them, talks about them, has all the plush collection of both the Angry Birds and the Angry Birds Space stuffies. He sets ups the piggies and crashes them down with the Angry Birds.

He's into legos right now too - my cousin Erik came over on Saturday and played for what seemed like hours with Lil bro and his legos. Here's a pic of Hollywood playing legos with him.

He's still my sweet little boy...he's got a bit of naughty in him sometimes too...but don't they all! His thing when he gets really mad now is that he furrows his brows and says, "I HATE!" He won't say what or who he is talking about...but it is implied. He knows I don't like him using that word so that is his way really blowing up...like the four year old equivalent of swearing I guess. :)

I have to get going...off to bed. But at least I wrote SOMETHING on here. :)

Facebook

If you don't have it, get it. I post pictures and updates on there constantly. I don't blog much because it's time consuming and I feel connected to everyone on Facebook anyway. I have adoption friends, work friends, old friends, new friends, and almost all of my family on there. There is only one person in my close family who is NOT on Facebook - my auntie A. GET A COMPUTER AT HOME!! :)

In the mean time, here's a few pictures.




Natilee - our grandma cat. She's so sweet. She's the one that started it all - showing up here injured as a stray a year and half ago. She recently got spayed and her fur is just growing back on her tummy.




Back to school time! I can't believe that Hollywood is almost as tall as MK!! :)




Two of the kittens we had from a litter - the one on the right found a home, but the one on the left still needs one. They're very sweet. Their mama is next to be spayed.



Meet Cora - our Barred Rock hen. She lays lovely eggs.



Little Brother - such a sweet boy he is growing up to be. ♥



Kid updates

Yay me. I did it. I stayted strong. I didn't contact T after he showed up here and he stayed away. I'm guessing being escorted out of the yard by my mom and her boyfriend had something to do with that. :)

I'm getting better...thinking about it all less and less. I'm more angry that he had the nerve to show up here at all than I am hurt by it. And I feel stronger too. He needs to stay away from me and I'll make sure he knows that if he ever shows up again. If ever he shows up at 1:00 am again, I'll call the police instead and let them deal with him.

I can't believe it's already August. Sheesh. Time goes so fast. Here's a quick update on the kiddos:

Lil Bro:
He's doing really good. He's staying home with the girls instead of daycare 4 days a week. He has had recurring ear infections though. He just finished yet another round of antibiotics. We have an appointment with the ENT at the end of the month here. I don't want him to have surgery. A friend (and mom of 5) suggested I try a chiropractor. I'm not a believer in them...but she swears by it and has used them for her kids with ear trouble and somehow it helped (she says). I just worry they will screw something up. Any of you ever used one for you child?

He's also got allergies. I've been giving him Zer+ec for it. It seem to help some. I don't know the allregies contribute to his ear infections, but I would guess so.

Hollywood:
She's doing really good. She's growing up so much lately. She just finished Aquatics and she signed up for 7th grade girls swimming which starts soon (before school even starts).  It's 4 days a weeks so I'm pretty sure she's going to be tired. I'm glad she loves swimming so much. She's signing up for another year of dance too - that starts next month but is just one day a week. Her and Lil Bro still have a tight bond.

MK:
She's doing great. She is a very careful, responsible driver now. She takes really good care of Lil Bro and they have become much closer this summer than ever before. That makes my heart happy and hers too. She was able to drive Hollywood to swimming the last couple of weeks instead of her having to ride public transportation. She also has driven herself to her friends' houses and the beach, and she works out with a friend of hers at the gym here and there too. I'm really proud of her.

She's signing up for dance again this year. I think she started in 2nd grade - she just loves it. She starts 11th grade soon. We have a meeting with her guidance counselor coming up to change a class around that she has. She signed up for a college course in English and has decided she doesn't want to take that one. She has another college level class already so her work load is going to be really heavy if she keeps both. We'll see what they say.

I have offered the kids 2/3 of all the proceeds from a garage sale if they will help (do most of the work) with getting things ready. There just are not enough hours in the day for me to do it. MK is all over it. We're shooting for Sept. 15th.

My mind is strong, but my heart is weak.

Our summer is flying by. I hate that. I wish I could just hang out with the kids and go on little get-aways with them. I love spending time with them. I'll have to start buying lottery tickets so I could do that!

I feel like I need to blog about something that happened over the weekend just because I can't get it out of my head and I really need to. So two years ago a man from my teenage years sought me out. I had always been attracted to him. But he had his eye on someone else. We were just friends back then. When he showed up at my house 2 years ago, he had been married for 20 years (I had been at his wedding even). He and his wife had split up a while before he found me again - she had moved on and was living with her boyfriend. We started seeing each other and I fell pretty hard for him. We were together for a bit over a year. It was a really good year. We had what I thought was a great relationship. He was good with the kids too. I fell in love with him. Then exactly one year ago today I found out he was not all I thought he was. He had been texting another woman behind my back and there were other things that came to light. I believe he had chemical issues that he hid from me too. He broke my trust and the night I found out about the other woman I told him to leave and never contact me again. He said very little that night and left without saying anything at all.

After we broke up, I had a person we both know bring his belongings back to him - a snowmobile, clothes, some other equipment he had here, and everything else that had been his. I changed my phone number about a week later after his ex-wife started harassing me. It was a mess and a very dark time for me emotionally.

I missed what we had. I missed falling asleep with my head on his chest at night. I missed laughing at the same stupid stuff with him. I missed everything. But I stayed strong and I healed. Eventually I stopped thinking of him daily. And I swore off men. I made a vow to myself not to date anyone for a year. I didn't trust my own judgement and I didn't want to drag my kids through anything like that again. They liked him. Especially Hollywood. She cried right along with me when we broke up. That broke my heart too.

So fast forward a year. Friday night the kids, my sister and I all hung out. We went out for pizza, came home and watched the Olympics. We went to bed late - about midnight or so. Just before I fell asleep I heard a banging. I thought maybe it was my sister cleaning her cat boxes out down in the basement. MK yelled to me to see what it was. I said I thought it was the cat boxes. MK looked out her window and said there was a truck in the driveway. I had no clue who it could be and I couldn't see the whole truck but whoever it was was banging on the door and window next to the door. I didn't answer and didn't turn on the lights. I waited for them to leave. They got in their truck, started it, turned on the lights, but didn't leave. I started to worry. I had my sister on her cell phone from the basement and we were debating about what to do. I decided to call my mom and her boyfriend to ask them - they live just 2 miles from me and could come quickly - quicker than the police could. The person came back to the door and was banging on it again while I was talking to my mom. I was really worried at this point. My mom and her boyfriend were on their way down to my house. I was on the cell phone with my mom when she pulled in the driveway - it was my ex boyfriend. At 1:00 am, pounding on my door after not having spoken to me in over a year. Who does that??? Someone who had some liquid courage at the local bar, I'm guessing.

To sum up what happened next - well, he wasn't there to harm me. He left as soon as my mom's boyfriend told him to. But he waited down the road near my mom's house to talk to them some more. He wanted to apologize to them and make it clear that he did not mean any harm....that he missed me and the girls. That he still loved me and didn't like the way things ended. He said he just wanted to talk to me. My mom's BF told him that this time of night was not a time to talk and that he scared the hell out of us and that my life was good and he can't be doing this stuff. He said he was sorry and blah blah blah.

So I'm left with questions. Why did he wait a year? Why now? Did he and his GF split up (I know that the woman he had been texting moved in with him after we split up) and he was just seeing if he could hook up with me? Will he try to talk to me again? After the way we split up I doubted that he ever loved me at all. I talked myself into believing that he never did really care for me and that I was just convenient for him to be with. Like free therapy. That theory didn't make a lot of sense since he helped me out with so many things, but it was easier to swallow than believing he loved me but then fell out of love with me.

In the end though, all the different scenarios lead to the same place. So what? Who cares? He most likely still has a chemical problem, he still has a crazy ex-wife, and he has broken my trust. It doesn't matter how attracted I was to him, how much we laughed together, or how much I loved him. He blew it and it will never be the same. He destroyed what we had and for me there is no going back. He is my EX boyfriend for a reason. I'm done getting my heart broken. When and IF I ever let anyone back in my life it is not going to be some one who has already broken my heart.

I wish he had not come. I liked thinking he was a heartless loser who never cared for me at all - that he just tricked me and I fell for a scammer. But to think that he loved me or that he still does....and that maybe the reason he did what he did had more to do with his addictions than it did me - that is a hard pill to swallow. I want to fix that. I want him to get help. I want to love him and be loved like I was before. I felt so safe when he was here - like I finally had found a guy I could stay with. I wish he had not come. Now I have to ignore the urge to run to him, to try to help him, to let him know I still love him too even when my head tells me he's nothing but bad for me. I have to stuff it all down - again. He should have just left me alone to think he never cared at all.

I know I can't fix him. I won't try to contact him. I'll struggle to stuff all the raw hurt and anger back down - back down into the box I worked a year to close. I just hope to God that he doesn't come back again. I don't know how strong I can be if he stands before me saying those things....the things I hoped so hard for a year ago. Men suck.