I brought Lil Brother to the 2nd pediatric dentist to get their opinion. They were able to do a full cleaning on him and get 5 x-rays too! I was impressed with the time they took with him and the gentleness with which they got him to cooperate. He had such a good time, he asked if he could go back again today! They have a gumball type machine filled with small trinkets and at the end of the visit they gave him a token to use to get his prize. That left quite an impression on him too. He was such a brave boy. The x-rays hurt and made him gag...his eyes were watering too. But after each one he let them do the next one. I counted them down for him...with tears in my eyes watching him. Such a brave boy!
They got the job. They said the same as the first dentist - he needs caps. They plan on putting 10 on - one on each molar and one on each of his two front teeth. The best part is that they are right next door to a big hospital so that's where the work will be done. They'll put him under for about an hour. I have to wait to find out how much the insurance is going to pay and how much I have to pay and then it will hopefully be able to be scheduled for January. I still have to figure the money part out, but am waiting to find out how much it is first.
Right after his early morning appointment, I rushed him up to daycare, dropped off my truck and got a ride down to my doctor appointment (from my auntie M.) an hour away. I had an ablation done on my uterus. Basically they knock you out, insert some machine thing into your uterus and burn off your flesh inside there. Sounds fun, doesn't it? Ya, it is as fun as it sounds. They strongly encouraged me to take a pain pill right away when I got home. I hate pain meds and can't really take them very well. They make me basically pass out for hours afterward. Which is what I did. I fell asleep with a heating pad on my lower belly for a few hours. I had to sleep on my side though because on my back I kept stopping breathing and would jerk awake. Not sure why...but I think it is from the pain meds...maybe a little too relaxed?
I came through it okay...I slept off and on for 18+ hours. I didn't go to work today either and slept in. I haven't taken any more pain meds since they make me feel so exhausted and weird. I've just been taking ibuprofen. I can feel little contraction-like feelings in my uterus...they said it might spasm from what they did. I can handle it though - the pain isn't bad...just a little annoying. I plan to go to work tomorrow.
The point of the procedure is to kill off the tissue that you get your period from. Since my periods were so heavy (like I thought more than once that I was hemorrhaging) and sometimes came twice a month, they had to do something. I'm not having any more kids, so this was an option for me. Going forward I should either not have a period or have a very light period. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
This weekend's goal: put up the tree and get family pictures done (by me).
Showing posts with label doctor visits. Show all posts
Showing posts with label doctor visits. Show all posts
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Puss in Boots, Jewelry Parties, and (another) Dr. visit.
Ah, the weekened is over. Sad face. I had a nice weekend. Friday night we cleaned house. Saturday morning I bought food for the jewelry party I had later that day...my brother stopped by and changed some lightbulbs for me that I couldn't reach on my 6' ladder in the living room too. While he was over with the ladder, he cleaned my arch window and sill above my entry door. Such a good brother he is.
Hollywood and her friend (and MK helped decorate) made cupcakes for the party. They even put jewelry on them:
The party went well. I have to be honest though, it was a little annoying to me that people don't RSVP. I invited people through a FB event and also through the mail. I would say only about 25% of the people responded at all. Two that RSVP'd yes didn't show up anyway. I found out though that the mailed invites had the wrong phone number on most of them, so that might explain some of those...and some people don't use FaceBook that much.
I guess I don't have parties like that often at all and I like to make it fun...I ended up making way too much food, just in case some came and didn't RSVP. It was a good reason to get the house and yard cleaned up though and it is always fun getting together with the women in my family. I would have liked to see more of my peeps there, but everyone is so busy all the time. MK and Hollywood's old babysitter came - I love her. I wish she still did daycare. She retired long ago. She's the sweetest, kindest lady ever.
Pet update:
The outside cats and kittens are finally using the heated home I made for them. They're all curled up inside there as I type. The house can fit this many in it right now (they are sleeping on top of it in the picture below):
At least I didn't do all that work for nothing. :)
Movie:
Hollywood had a friend stay overnight last night and this morning we all went to church (where we met up with my grandma and aunt M.) and afterward we went to see Puss In Boots. I LOVE that movie. It is soooo cute. I guess you can tell I'm sort of a cat person anyway, but that movie was so great even if you're not. I don't want to give any of it away....so I won't say too much. There's a part in there that shows when he was a baby though - so CUTE! Meow.
Medical stuff:
Little Brother was a little whiney and not himself during the movie. He had told me yesterday that his ear hurt and then he kept making a growling sound like this throat hurt this past week. During the movie he said his throat hurt too. I (stupidly) decided to bring him in to the same day clinic to get his ears checked. A kid at his daycare's sister had strep recently too, so I thought it would be better to catch it early. I guess everyone else and thier grandparents decided today was a good day to visit the same day clinic too. Thank goodness the girls went home with my sister because lil bro and I sat there for 3 freakin hours. It was dark outside when we got out. Oh, and he just has a virus. He's my 3rd kid - I should have known better. Sheesh!!! About an hour and half into it I wanted to leave, but you know after you invested that much time you don't just want to give up. Damn it.
Hollywood is doing great wearing contacts, but she doesn't have a pair of glasses with her current prescription in them. I ordered some today from a place online for CHEAP. I ordered one for each of us since I can't see out of mine well anymore due to scratches. I also found a company to order my contacts through (same brand as I currently wear) for $15 less per box than my eye Dr. charges. Yay me!
Hollywood and her friend (and MK helped decorate) made cupcakes for the party. They even put jewelry on them:
The party went well. I have to be honest though, it was a little annoying to me that people don't RSVP. I invited people through a FB event and also through the mail. I would say only about 25% of the people responded at all. Two that RSVP'd yes didn't show up anyway. I found out though that the mailed invites had the wrong phone number on most of them, so that might explain some of those...and some people don't use FaceBook that much.
I guess I don't have parties like that often at all and I like to make it fun...I ended up making way too much food, just in case some came and didn't RSVP. It was a good reason to get the house and yard cleaned up though and it is always fun getting together with the women in my family. I would have liked to see more of my peeps there, but everyone is so busy all the time. MK and Hollywood's old babysitter came - I love her. I wish she still did daycare. She retired long ago. She's the sweetest, kindest lady ever.
Pet update:
The outside cats and kittens are finally using the heated home I made for them. They're all curled up inside there as I type. The house can fit this many in it right now (they are sleeping on top of it in the picture below):
At least I didn't do all that work for nothing. :)
Movie:
Hollywood had a friend stay overnight last night and this morning we all went to church (where we met up with my grandma and aunt M.) and afterward we went to see Puss In Boots. I LOVE that movie. It is soooo cute. I guess you can tell I'm sort of a cat person anyway, but that movie was so great even if you're not. I don't want to give any of it away....so I won't say too much. There's a part in there that shows when he was a baby though - so CUTE! Meow.
Medical stuff:
Little Brother was a little whiney and not himself during the movie. He had told me yesterday that his ear hurt and then he kept making a growling sound like this throat hurt this past week. During the movie he said his throat hurt too. I (stupidly) decided to bring him in to the same day clinic to get his ears checked. A kid at his daycare's sister had strep recently too, so I thought it would be better to catch it early. I guess everyone else and thier grandparents decided today was a good day to visit the same day clinic too. Thank goodness the girls went home with my sister because lil bro and I sat there for 3 freakin hours. It was dark outside when we got out. Oh, and he just has a virus. He's my 3rd kid - I should have known better. Sheesh!!! About an hour and half into it I wanted to leave, but you know after you invested that much time you don't just want to give up. Damn it.
Hollywood is doing great wearing contacts, but she doesn't have a pair of glasses with her current prescription in them. I ordered some today from a place online for CHEAP. I ordered one for each of us since I can't see out of mine well anymore due to scratches. I also found a company to order my contacts through (same brand as I currently wear) for $15 less per box than my eye Dr. charges. Yay me!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
I can breathe again
NO CANCER. No sign of pre-cancerous cells. YAHOO!!!! I thank God for this news.
I was freaking out just a bit. Mostly internally. I didn't want to scare the kids. I kept thinking that my baby boy would be an orphan again. That he wouldn't understand and maybe even wouldn't remember me. I thought maybe I could do those videos for them to play at big moments of their lives after I died so they would know how much I love them. But on the other hand, maybe when people die, they should just go away and not send reminders of what was lost. Ya, I thought about all of this. Every time I would hear Live Like You Were Dying I would get lost in thought and feel choked up. It really served as a wake up call. Maybe that was God's intention.
It scared the hell out of me. I looked up the symptoms and the things that multiply your risk of uterine cancer. Being more than 50 pounds overweight multiplies your risk of uterine cancer by 10. Hello, diet.
I also tried a new church this past Sunday. Not that I thought that would have saved me, but I have drifted away from my church over the past couple of years. They are very traditional. The church is full of traditional people. Mostly over the age of 60. Maybe over 70. I don't connect with anyone there. The one family that I did connect with left the church after the church became more open to homosexuals. I didn't understand that since the person I'm referring to has a relative that is gay. When we go to events there the old people stare at my family. I suppose a single mom with three kids that don't match isn't their idea of traditional. The new church however, ROCKS.
It is still a Lutheran church that I go to, but this new one offers a contemporary service that I totally connected with. The music is awesome - live Christian rock and loud enough that I can't hear my crappy voice when I sing - that's a plus. The pastor mixed in a bit of humor with his sermon - and it was directly related to family life today. I just felt renewed when I left there. Re-focused. It is just what I wanted and needed. The girls liked it a lot too. Lil Bro - he played with his toys and talked softly the ENTIRE time. LOL. Hopefully the girls will make some connections there as well.
I feel like I can breathe again. Time to take a good look at what's really important and refocus my life accordingly. Who doesn't need that?
I was freaking out just a bit. Mostly internally. I didn't want to scare the kids. I kept thinking that my baby boy would be an orphan again. That he wouldn't understand and maybe even wouldn't remember me. I thought maybe I could do those videos for them to play at big moments of their lives after I died so they would know how much I love them. But on the other hand, maybe when people die, they should just go away and not send reminders of what was lost. Ya, I thought about all of this. Every time I would hear Live Like You Were Dying I would get lost in thought and feel choked up. It really served as a wake up call. Maybe that was God's intention.
It scared the hell out of me. I looked up the symptoms and the things that multiply your risk of uterine cancer. Being more than 50 pounds overweight multiplies your risk of uterine cancer by 10. Hello, diet.
I also tried a new church this past Sunday. Not that I thought that would have saved me, but I have drifted away from my church over the past couple of years. They are very traditional. The church is full of traditional people. Mostly over the age of 60. Maybe over 70. I don't connect with anyone there. The one family that I did connect with left the church after the church became more open to homosexuals. I didn't understand that since the person I'm referring to has a relative that is gay. When we go to events there the old people stare at my family. I suppose a single mom with three kids that don't match isn't their idea of traditional. The new church however, ROCKS.
It is still a Lutheran church that I go to, but this new one offers a contemporary service that I totally connected with. The music is awesome - live Christian rock and loud enough that I can't hear my crappy voice when I sing - that's a plus. The pastor mixed in a bit of humor with his sermon - and it was directly related to family life today. I just felt renewed when I left there. Re-focused. It is just what I wanted and needed. The girls liked it a lot too. Lil Bro - he played with his toys and talked softly the ENTIRE time. LOL. Hopefully the girls will make some connections there as well.
I feel like I can breathe again. Time to take a good look at what's really important and refocus my life accordingly. Who doesn't need that?
Saturday, October 22, 2011
No News...
I didn't get any news Friday from the Doctor. I am choosing to pretend everything is fine. Maybe I'm not pretending. I just worry...things are so abnormal and waiting for biopsy results SUCKS.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Still waiting
I went in to the Dr. for a couple of procedures on Tuesday - one was a hysteroscopy (where they look inside of your uterus with a camera) and the other was a bladder test...I think it was called a cystometry test or something. All I know is I did the bladder test first...and they stuck a small catheter up there to fill it with water - and the whole test just was uncomfortable. I never would have signed up for that one had I known what was involved. After the doc came in and asked how the test went the nurse said, "She pees when she coughs." Well, no shit. I told them that all along. He did look at the computer print out of whatever it measured too so that made me feel a little better. At the end of that test you have to pee in a toilet/chair thing like they use for people that...I don't know. Old people or something. They were standing there waiting for me to go and I couldn't. They had to step out of the room and then I could go. Funny.
The important procedure...the uterus one was next. I've had it done once before a long time ago, so I knew it was better than that bladder test. It still hurts a bit when they pass the camera up through your cervix. But on to the results. I do not have a polyp. That is not good. In that case, the wall of my uterus is super thick...there can be sinister causes for that. My doctor took a biopsy to send off for testing to determine if it is caused by a precancerous condition, cancer, or a more benign cause. Pray that it comes back as NOT CANCER. I'm running on the assumption that it is NOT CANCER since that's the only way I can function without knowing at this point. One thing that worries me though is that for the last few years I've had abnormal pap smears. I go in every six months for them.
It sounds like no matter what, I will be looking at a hysterectomy in the near future. They will take my cervix too since that has the abnormal cells showing up on my paps. I'm sort of stuck between a rock and hard place (again, assuming it is NOT CANCER) because the symptom that I do have is LOTS of yucky bleeding (like to the point where I thought I was hemorrhaging last time) and I bleed in between periods as well, randomly. TMI? Sorry. I don't think I have any male readers though, so SO WHAT, WHO CARES? :)
The treatment they were talking about trying would be an ablation - where they basically burn off the inner lining of the uterus so that you either get a very light period or none at all going forward. That is no longer an option since by doing that it would mask any future signs of uterine cancer. The cancer word was brought up way too many times in that visit. Needless to say I feel anxious and scared. I am waiting for the Dr. to call me with the results. He hoped to have them by Friday.
Please pray that there is no cancer. I have no history of cancer in my family on either side so I'm just hoping and praying that this is some other thing.
The important procedure...the uterus one was next. I've had it done once before a long time ago, so I knew it was better than that bladder test. It still hurts a bit when they pass the camera up through your cervix. But on to the results. I do not have a polyp. That is not good. In that case, the wall of my uterus is super thick...there can be sinister causes for that. My doctor took a biopsy to send off for testing to determine if it is caused by a precancerous condition, cancer, or a more benign cause. Pray that it comes back as NOT CANCER. I'm running on the assumption that it is NOT CANCER since that's the only way I can function without knowing at this point. One thing that worries me though is that for the last few years I've had abnormal pap smears. I go in every six months for them.
It sounds like no matter what, I will be looking at a hysterectomy in the near future. They will take my cervix too since that has the abnormal cells showing up on my paps. I'm sort of stuck between a rock and hard place (again, assuming it is NOT CANCER) because the symptom that I do have is LOTS of yucky bleeding (like to the point where I thought I was hemorrhaging last time) and I bleed in between periods as well, randomly. TMI? Sorry. I don't think I have any male readers though, so SO WHAT, WHO CARES? :)
The treatment they were talking about trying would be an ablation - where they basically burn off the inner lining of the uterus so that you either get a very light period or none at all going forward. That is no longer an option since by doing that it would mask any future signs of uterine cancer. The cancer word was brought up way too many times in that visit. Needless to say I feel anxious and scared. I am waiting for the Dr. to call me with the results. He hoped to have them by Friday.
Please pray that there is no cancer. I have no history of cancer in my family on either side so I'm just hoping and praying that this is some other thing.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Unexpected problems
This has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I've talked before (on my old blog) about getting my tubes tied last March. I did that and I'm still fine with that. However, one of the hopes was that once I went off of the pill my blood pressure would improve. That has not happened. I'm sure it is due to a combination of things like genes, weight, and stress. So I'm still on blood pressure meds. But I've had a few weird health things going on lately too. I also think I'm losing my hair. Not all of it, but I KNOW it is thinner. I read online that it could be caused by changes in hormones....like maybe when I went off the pill?
I went in to the Dr. recently (my GYN) because my cycle started being strange too...too heavy and too often mostly. Plus for the past 2+ years my paps all come back abnormal. I get them every 6 months because of it, but they don't know why.
So all that freaks me out a bit. Then I went in. They gave me an ultra sound. This is all the crap they noticed:
I thought while I was at it, I might as well have this test done that measures muscle strength for the muscles in charge of my bladder as well since I have issues there too - like when I laugh, cough, sneeze, etc. I have had problems with that since giving birth the first time. It's not always possible to stop and cross your legs when you have to do any of the things mentioned. If it is not muscle tone that is the problem, they will most likely give me a sling...for my bladder. Now, that sounds like fun.
Anyway, I guess I always worry about the worst possible scenario - in this case cancer. Those cells that are abnormal in my paps combined with the thing in my uterus...geez, just take all the shit out will ya? I'm all my three kids have and I need to be here.
I went in to the Dr. recently (my GYN) because my cycle started being strange too...too heavy and too often mostly. Plus for the past 2+ years my paps all come back abnormal. I get them every 6 months because of it, but they don't know why.
So all that freaks me out a bit. Then I went in. They gave me an ultra sound. This is all the crap they noticed:
- One of my ovaries has migrated down below my uterus. Why? Who knows.
- I have a small cyst on the sunken ovary.
- I have a large cyst on my other ovary and inside of that cyst is another cyst. He wondered why I wasn't in any pain.
- At first he thought that my uterus was measuring triple the normal size, but then he realized what he was seeing was probably a polyp in my uterus. A nice big one.
I thought while I was at it, I might as well have this test done that measures muscle strength for the muscles in charge of my bladder as well since I have issues there too - like when I laugh, cough, sneeze, etc. I have had problems with that since giving birth the first time. It's not always possible to stop and cross your legs when you have to do any of the things mentioned. If it is not muscle tone that is the problem, they will most likely give me a sling...for my bladder. Now, that sounds like fun.
Anyway, I guess I always worry about the worst possible scenario - in this case cancer. Those cells that are abnormal in my paps combined with the thing in my uterus...geez, just take all the shit out will ya? I'm all my three kids have and I need to be here.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
More detail...
I feel like I never take the time to write the things that are in my head. I just do a quick update and on with the show. Tonight I took the time to put my thoughts on "paper". It's not easy...constant inturruptions around here.
More on our trip to the International Adoption Clinic:
More on our trip to the International Adoption Clinic:
Lil Bro’s always up for an adventure. When I told him we were going to the Dr. on Friday he said he didn’t want to go…until I told him that if he didn’t go he would go to daycare. Then he was all like, “When are we going to the doctor mom??” “I wanna go to the doctor now.” We arrived at the clinic and checked in at the desk. He spotted the dinosaur in the hall on the way in (see previous post). I promised he could see it when we were all done. In the lobby they have a play area with a big TV. It had Dora on - his favorite. There was another family there too, with a bigger boy...a wild one. He was spinning the giant wheel on the wall at mock speed. I hoped Lil Bro didn’t get too close; he’d probably lose a finger. Lil Bro hung back, keeping one eye on Dora and one on the wild child.
The wild child spotted us. He stopped spinning the wheel. He came up to Lil Bro, who had ventured closer to the TV. He came up to Lil Bro and pointed to his shirt…reached out and touched his shirt…and told us all he had that same shirt! Lil Bro stepped back. The boy repeated it, louder. Lil Bro retreated to a sofa next to my chair. I moved closer to Lil Bro and the wild child ran off, yelling down the halls with his mom a few feet behind, running. Lil Bro leaned into me and said, “He doesn’t have my shirt. This is my shirt. I have my shirt. He can’t have it.” I gave him a squeeze and told him not to worry. He just meant he had one LIKE it.
We were called in for our turn. I always feel like I’m under a microscope at the Int’l Adoption Clinic. Would they think there was an attachment problem if he was playing with the toy on the wall and not sitting by me when they came in the room? Would they think the same if he was cooperative during the exam? He always cooperates with doctors. I blame my family physician – he so good with him. The doc came in and everything went fine. She had a resident with her…and I couldn’t help but think of Grey’s Anatomy…except she didn’t look like an actress. And she took notes. They never take notes on Grey’s.
After discussing the issue I came in there for, the head and face rubbing, they sent in a therapist to show me some activities and exercises I could do with him. She asked me if he liked swinging on a swing set. Yes, he does…and then I wondered if that meant something. I worried she was picturing him sitting in a swing for hours, wanting more. That isn’t the case at all, of course. I was relieved when she said swinging and doing things like sliding and jumping on a trampoline are good for him. Another reason to buy a new trampoline, I thought. Ours blew away in a storm.
One of the activities she suggested involves giving his limbs “hugs”. Basically you apply pressure all the way around his limb with both hands, climbing up slowly. Starting with light pressure and then adding pressure but not hard. She demonstrated on my arm. Okay, that felt freakily good. She also gave me a sheet of activities to do with him. I left happy - with my sweet little boy bouncing along holding my hand and a sheet of paper in purse that will hopefully hold the key to some relief for him.
We drove the hour back to our home town so I could bring Lil Bro to daycare before heading to work. He told me he didn’t want to go to daycare. He wanted to go to “town”. I decided to stop at Walmart and see if they had a backpack he could bring with to daycare. Now that he goes to preschool, they are supposed to have a bag to put their papers in. We looked but they don’t have much to choose from now that the back-to-school rush is over. I suggested a Twins one. He declined. How about a Vikings one? They should be on clearance if you ask me, but no – they were the same price as the Twins. He declined that one as well. Smart boy, I thought. That was about all they had. We headed for the toy isles instead. He picked out a Lego’s set with some Cars characters in it.
When we left there he said he wanted to go to “town” again. I’m like where do you think “town” is? We’re in town. He said it was the town with the buildings in it. Yeah, again, I think we’re in town. I took him to McDonalds and got him some chicken and French fries instead. We sat in the car while he ate. Then I drove him to daycare. They were outside when we got there – all of their backpacks hanging on the fence. Lil Bro doesn’t care that he didn’t have one. I walked him out there, talked to his teacher and he went off to play. As I was pulling out of the parking lot I saw him running around with another little boy, laughing. He’ll be fine. I love that kid so much, it hurts.
Sensory Integration
I made an appointment for Lil Brother at the International Adoption Clinic for yesterday. I was concerned about the face/head rubbing that has continued. I'm glad I brought him there. They asked a lot of questions about it and a lot of little things were brought up that one might not put all together as being caused by the same issue. He has a sensitivity to tags in clothing. I always remove them but even the printed ones (esp. the puffier ones) bother him. He has to have the seam in his socks just right or he says it hurts him. And when I think back, he used to do a lot of head rubbing when he first came out of the orphanage so maybe its more like that has returned. He also HATED walking in grass with bare feet and refused to do it at all until this year. They said he has a very mild sensory integration issue. Here is a good article on the basics of what that means from Parents.com.
They gave me some activities to do with him daily and said they expect he will stop with the head/face rubbing within a few weeks. I'm glad my mom suggested I get 2nd opinion. Lil Bro loved this little dinosaur they had in the hallway there. He named it Rex.
They think he also may have allergies. I thought that too. He rubs his eyes a lot and says they hurt. Some of the rubbing may be triggered by itching in his ears and nose too. We're going to try an allergy medicine as well.
Here's one more from our visit:
They gave me some activities to do with him daily and said they expect he will stop with the head/face rubbing within a few weeks. I'm glad my mom suggested I get 2nd opinion. Lil Bro loved this little dinosaur they had in the hallway there. He named it Rex.
They think he also may have allergies. I thought that too. He rubs his eyes a lot and says they hurt. Some of the rubbing may be triggered by itching in his ears and nose too. We're going to try an allergy medicine as well.
Here's one more from our visit:
Monday, October 3, 2011
The ups...the downs
I went to my 20 year class reunion this weekend. It was nice to see people again...there were not that many people there but I had a great time anyway. It was kind of a casual, meet at a bar with a DJ type thing - no formal plan...just order off the menu and it was open to the public as well. I took my sister with me since a certain some one decided to pull a disappearing act.
S~ is back to his same old tricks again...never committing to plans and disappearing. I knew he wouldn't last long...he was on his best behavior for a few weeks and then all the old demons started showing. I blocked him from being able to contact me by phone today...at least then I know that he's not going to call instead of sitting there wondering when or if he is. I have a weakness for him and it's best I just shut the door now. He can still get a hold of our daughter on the other phone, but can't call my cell. Maybe he was just what I needed to get over the last miserable failure of a relationship I had. I'm used to losing him, so it doesn't hurt much this time. 14 years of off and on...off an on. I'd like it to stay off now thankyouverymuch.
My grandma is in the hospital again. She has numerous things wrong. Just say a prayer if you can. She's so frail now that I really worry about the future for her.
I would really like to go back to school. I don't have the money or the time, but that is really something that I'd like to do some day. I'll keep buying lottery tickets....it's my only hope. LOL...whaaaa whaaaa.
S~ is back to his same old tricks again...never committing to plans and disappearing. I knew he wouldn't last long...he was on his best behavior for a few weeks and then all the old demons started showing. I blocked him from being able to contact me by phone today...at least then I know that he's not going to call instead of sitting there wondering when or if he is. I have a weakness for him and it's best I just shut the door now. He can still get a hold of our daughter on the other phone, but can't call my cell. Maybe he was just what I needed to get over the last miserable failure of a relationship I had. I'm used to losing him, so it doesn't hurt much this time. 14 years of off and on...off an on. I'd like it to stay off now thankyouverymuch.
My grandma is in the hospital again. She has numerous things wrong. Just say a prayer if you can. She's so frail now that I really worry about the future for her.
I would really like to go back to school. I don't have the money or the time, but that is really something that I'd like to do some day. I'll keep buying lottery tickets....it's my only hope. LOL...whaaaa whaaaa.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Another ear problem...and what am I doing?
How can this guy get me to fall for him over and over again? 14 years and counting. Off and on, off and on. Hollywood is really happy her dad is coming over again. To me he seems somehow different this time. She's picked up on it too. He's far from perfect - he has some of the same old flaws - but he is more open and outgoing...and we've been able to talk about the issues from the past without having a blow out. Baby steps. Anyone can pretend for a few weeks. Look at the last guy I dated - a whole YEAR of pretend. I'd like something REAL this time.
Let's be honest - I don't know what the hell I'm doing. If my kids were against me letting him back in my (our) life, I would stuff it all down and stay away from him. But they're not. He's trying to right the wrongs. They were BIG wrongs. That's the thing about hurtful words - once they spill from your lips you can't take them back. There they are, all ugly and out in the open. He can't change what he said. But he's been so kind and told me how stupid it was for him to blow up and he did talk to MK and apologize. I think he feels genuinely sorry for acting like a jerk. MK has no reason to forgive him, but she doesn't mind him coming around as long as he keeps being so good to all of us. Time will tell.
Speaking of MK - she told me today that she needed to go to the Dr. She said her ears hurt and were plugged up. She has no other symptoms. We had been to the Ke$ha concert a few weeks ago and it started shortly after that. She didn't want to tell me, but she thought that she had permanently damaged her hearing or something. We went to urgent care tonight and they ended up cleaning her ears so they could see in them. She had a lot of wax in there - A LOT. It was hiding an infection too. So she's got ear drops and antibiotics now. And no hearing damage. From the looks of it, she had internal earplugs in at the concert. LOL and YUCK. She said she felt a lot better just from them cleaning them out. Poor girl. She's such a great student and she even brought her homework to the clinic to work on while we waited. Good thing too since we were gone almost 3 hours. I ♥ her.
Let's be honest - I don't know what the hell I'm doing. If my kids were against me letting him back in my (our) life, I would stuff it all down and stay away from him. But they're not. He's trying to right the wrongs. They were BIG wrongs. That's the thing about hurtful words - once they spill from your lips you can't take them back. There they are, all ugly and out in the open. He can't change what he said. But he's been so kind and told me how stupid it was for him to blow up and he did talk to MK and apologize. I think he feels genuinely sorry for acting like a jerk. MK has no reason to forgive him, but she doesn't mind him coming around as long as he keeps being so good to all of us. Time will tell.
Speaking of MK - she told me today that she needed to go to the Dr. She said her ears hurt and were plugged up. She has no other symptoms. We had been to the Ke$ha concert a few weeks ago and it started shortly after that. She didn't want to tell me, but she thought that she had permanently damaged her hearing or something. We went to urgent care tonight and they ended up cleaning her ears so they could see in them. She had a lot of wax in there - A LOT. It was hiding an infection too. So she's got ear drops and antibiotics now. And no hearing damage. From the looks of it, she had internal earplugs in at the concert. LOL and YUCK. She said she felt a lot better just from them cleaning them out. Poor girl. She's such a great student and she even brought her homework to the clinic to work on while we waited. Good thing too since we were gone almost 3 hours. I ♥ her.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Ear infections, self-hate, and ex's
Poor Lil Bro got sick after the fair. Not from the fair, but I could tell he was coming down with something the day before. He's normally happy-go-lucky all the time but he was not himself Sunday night. I brought him in to the doctor on Monday morning and he has an ear infection. He was running 102+ in fever Sunday evening through the night Monday night. But today was better.
He decided he doesn't like Amoxicilin. I think it is because it's not pink. For some reason we got a generic that isn't colored pink. He associates it with a medicine he doesn't like so I was fighting to get him to take it. I even called the pharmacy to talk to them about it. They told me I could put food coloring in it if it would help. I tried blue - told Lil Bro it was blue raspberry candy (on a spoon). I asked all the kids, "Who wants some blue raspberry candy!??" The girls played along and they all came running in. I gave it to Lil Bro first (and last - hahaha). He loved it. He told me how good it was and asked if he could have more. HA! He loved his bedtime dose too. Yay me!
Tomorrow everyone goes back to school and daycare. :( The girls did so well taking care of Lil Bro this summer. I know he just loved staying home with them. I think he'll eat a lot better at daycare, but he sure loved sleeping in and playing at home all day. I found out we qualify for a scholarship for preschool. That starts soon too. Lil Bro's orientation for that is on Thursday. There's so much going on this week!
I've been feeling a little blue lately. Gee, can't imagine why. ;) It hits me at odd times. Some days I can't quit thinking about my recent ex boyfriend - replaying things that we did together and things he said to me. It's hard to believe he lied to me about most things. I don't understand how or why some one would pretend they love you for a whole year. He didn't get that much out of me - love and laughter mostly. I never gave him money or anything like that. We have the same sense of humor (if he wasn't faking that too) so we loved the same movies and I laughed so hard sometimes at stuff he would come up with or at movies we watched together. He told me that he had never felt this close to anyone before - not even his ex who he was married to for over 20 years. He said I made him feel good about himself when she had always put him down and belittled him. He lied. He said he loved me, that he could see himself with me forever. I have to keep telling myself that he lied. I don't know where the truth stops and the lies begin. They are all intertwined. I feel mostly anger now. Mad at him, mad at myself for...I don't know. Mostly mad at him.
My low-self-esteem part of me feels like since he was so handsome (in my opinion) I should have known better than to think he would want me. I'm fat. I have stretch marks and a mushy belly. My thighs are yucky. I have an extra chin if I'm not extending my neck. I'm getting old. When I laugh my face looks weird and I can see where all my wrinkles will be when I'm an old lady. My hair is getting thinner. I have to use a depilatory on my upper lip. And I have one single dark hair that keeps growing back on my chin. I pluck it constantly. See? Who would want to put up with all that? That's why you're supposed to get married when you're young and....not mushy I guess. I think it is just hard to look at myself through his eyes after hearing things he said about me to others after we broke up. Hurtful things.
I went to a BBQ for my daughter's father's sister (Hollywood's dad's sister - we're close) shortly after the split with the liar. She's getting married to a really sweet guy and it was an engagement party. She is just the sweetest girl ever and he is really great too. Hollywood's dad was there. Why is it that he's always there to swoop in when I'm feeling low? He knows I'm single again. He talked to me most of the time I was there. He even pulled MK aside and said he was sorry to her for the things he said way-back-when (when I put him on the greyhound bus during family vacation in SD). He was sweet to Hollywood and didn't smother Lil Bro. He acted like he should - like he should have been doing all along when we were together. Hollywood said she was happy that he was so nice to her. Ya, it should have been that way all along.
I've been talking to him here and there since the BBQ. He tells me how beautiful I am, how much he still cares for me, how he is sorry for his stupid behavior back then (first time he admitted what he did was wrong), that he wants another chance to be in our lives and to show me he has changed. He explained his "logic" back then - and why he was so unhappy leading up to the trip. It's been a real eye opener. I think sometimes the worlds we came from are just too far apart. He's Vietnamese and was raised in a culture that is very, very different than mine when it comes to views and attitudes about many things. That was part of the wedge between us before. He has a hard time communicating feelings (like many men do) but the feelings are there even if he didn't talk about them. Instead, it built up until it became a big ball of resentment, feeling overlooked, powerless and unappreciated. I have a strong personality and strong opinions about things I believe in. I see black and white when sometimes it isn't that simple. I'm used to being in charge and for a man from his background, that's a hard pill to swallow.
For now, the attention is a boost for me. It helps offset all the self-hate I felt after seeing myself the way the liar said he saw me. But they always say what they have to say to get back in...and then go back to the old ways. Sometimes I wish I could let him back in...wish I believed that he changed. But they don't change. And they lie.
After reading this...I sound like a big whiner who hates things about myself but doesn't do anything about them. I like me. I just need to improve me. Not for a man, but for myself. I like who I am on the inside, and that matters most. I need to find the will power to make the lifestyle changes that I need to make. And that is a hard thing to do.
He decided he doesn't like Amoxicilin. I think it is because it's not pink. For some reason we got a generic that isn't colored pink. He associates it with a medicine he doesn't like so I was fighting to get him to take it. I even called the pharmacy to talk to them about it. They told me I could put food coloring in it if it would help. I tried blue - told Lil Bro it was blue raspberry candy (on a spoon). I asked all the kids, "Who wants some blue raspberry candy!??" The girls played along and they all came running in. I gave it to Lil Bro first (and last - hahaha). He loved it. He told me how good it was and asked if he could have more. HA! He loved his bedtime dose too. Yay me!
Tomorrow everyone goes back to school and daycare. :( The girls did so well taking care of Lil Bro this summer. I know he just loved staying home with them. I think he'll eat a lot better at daycare, but he sure loved sleeping in and playing at home all day. I found out we qualify for a scholarship for preschool. That starts soon too. Lil Bro's orientation for that is on Thursday. There's so much going on this week!
I've been feeling a little blue lately. Gee, can't imagine why. ;) It hits me at odd times. Some days I can't quit thinking about my recent ex boyfriend - replaying things that we did together and things he said to me. It's hard to believe he lied to me about most things. I don't understand how or why some one would pretend they love you for a whole year. He didn't get that much out of me - love and laughter mostly. I never gave him money or anything like that. We have the same sense of humor (if he wasn't faking that too) so we loved the same movies and I laughed so hard sometimes at stuff he would come up with or at movies we watched together. He told me that he had never felt this close to anyone before - not even his ex who he was married to for over 20 years. He said I made him feel good about himself when she had always put him down and belittled him. He lied. He said he loved me, that he could see himself with me forever. I have to keep telling myself that he lied. I don't know where the truth stops and the lies begin. They are all intertwined. I feel mostly anger now. Mad at him, mad at myself for...I don't know. Mostly mad at him.
My low-self-esteem part of me feels like since he was so handsome (in my opinion) I should have known better than to think he would want me. I'm fat. I have stretch marks and a mushy belly. My thighs are yucky. I have an extra chin if I'm not extending my neck. I'm getting old. When I laugh my face looks weird and I can see where all my wrinkles will be when I'm an old lady. My hair is getting thinner. I have to use a depilatory on my upper lip. And I have one single dark hair that keeps growing back on my chin. I pluck it constantly. See? Who would want to put up with all that? That's why you're supposed to get married when you're young and....not mushy I guess. I think it is just hard to look at myself through his eyes after hearing things he said about me to others after we broke up. Hurtful things.
I went to a BBQ for my daughter's father's sister (Hollywood's dad's sister - we're close) shortly after the split with the liar. She's getting married to a really sweet guy and it was an engagement party. She is just the sweetest girl ever and he is really great too. Hollywood's dad was there. Why is it that he's always there to swoop in when I'm feeling low? He knows I'm single again. He talked to me most of the time I was there. He even pulled MK aside and said he was sorry to her for the things he said way-back-when (when I put him on the greyhound bus during family vacation in SD). He was sweet to Hollywood and didn't smother Lil Bro. He acted like he should - like he should have been doing all along when we were together. Hollywood said she was happy that he was so nice to her. Ya, it should have been that way all along.
I've been talking to him here and there since the BBQ. He tells me how beautiful I am, how much he still cares for me, how he is sorry for his stupid behavior back then (first time he admitted what he did was wrong), that he wants another chance to be in our lives and to show me he has changed. He explained his "logic" back then - and why he was so unhappy leading up to the trip. It's been a real eye opener. I think sometimes the worlds we came from are just too far apart. He's Vietnamese and was raised in a culture that is very, very different than mine when it comes to views and attitudes about many things. That was part of the wedge between us before. He has a hard time communicating feelings (like many men do) but the feelings are there even if he didn't talk about them. Instead, it built up until it became a big ball of resentment, feeling overlooked, powerless and unappreciated. I have a strong personality and strong opinions about things I believe in. I see black and white when sometimes it isn't that simple. I'm used to being in charge and for a man from his background, that's a hard pill to swallow.
For now, the attention is a boost for me. It helps offset all the self-hate I felt after seeing myself the way the liar said he saw me. But they always say what they have to say to get back in...and then go back to the old ways. Sometimes I wish I could let him back in...wish I believed that he changed. But they don't change. And they lie.
After reading this...I sound like a big whiner who hates things about myself but doesn't do anything about them. I like me. I just need to improve me. Not for a man, but for myself. I like who I am on the inside, and that matters most. I need to find the will power to make the lifestyle changes that I need to make. And that is a hard thing to do.
Monday, August 22, 2011
An unexpected day
I went into work this morning, called my Dr. about seeing my son (for the face rubbing). The only appointment they had for the week was this morning. I left work and decided to trade in a vacation day instead of going back in. The doctor checked everything and then said he thought it was nothing to worry about. He thinks it started with the mosquito bites on his forehead and now its just kind of a habit for him. He said it will pass. Today he really didn't do it much at all. The busier he is the less he seems to do it. The Dr. did say not to make an issue of it. Don't remind him not to do it, don't mention it at all. That's what I thought too, so I'm glad he confirmed that. He also said his occasional stuttering will go away and is common for kids his age. Whew.
Since I had the day off, we decided to go do something fun. We headed to Fawn-Doe-Rosa in Wisconsin. Here's some pictures.
Guess it took a little longer than they expected to get there...
Time to feed some animals!
More pictures of the kids:
We stopped at a park on the way home.
We had fun. The weather was perfect and it was just nice being out together.
Since I had the day off, we decided to go do something fun. We headed to Fawn-Doe-Rosa in Wisconsin. Here's some pictures.
Guess it took a little longer than they expected to get there...
If you look closely at this one you will see that I caught the biscuit mid-drop. The pony grabbed it with its lips and freaked him out, so he dropped it. I ended up giving it back to him. LOL
We stopped at a park on the way home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)