Kid updates

Yay me. I did it. I stayted strong. I didn't contact T after he showed up here and he stayed away. I'm guessing being escorted out of the yard by my mom and her boyfriend had something to do with that. :)

I'm getting better...thinking about it all less and less. I'm more angry that he had the nerve to show up here at all than I am hurt by it. And I feel stronger too. He needs to stay away from me and I'll make sure he knows that if he ever shows up again. If ever he shows up at 1:00 am again, I'll call the police instead and let them deal with him.

I can't believe it's already August. Sheesh. Time goes so fast. Here's a quick update on the kiddos:

Lil Bro:
He's doing really good. He's staying home with the girls instead of daycare 4 days a week. He has had recurring ear infections though. He just finished yet another round of antibiotics. We have an appointment with the ENT at the end of the month here. I don't want him to have surgery. A friend (and mom of 5) suggested I try a chiropractor. I'm not a believer in them...but she swears by it and has used them for her kids with ear trouble and somehow it helped (she says). I just worry they will screw something up. Any of you ever used one for you child?

He's also got allergies. I've been giving him Zer+ec for it. It seem to help some. I don't know the allregies contribute to his ear infections, but I would guess so.

Hollywood:
She's doing really good. She's growing up so much lately. She just finished Aquatics and she signed up for 7th grade girls swimming which starts soon (before school even starts).  It's 4 days a weeks so I'm pretty sure she's going to be tired. I'm glad she loves swimming so much. She's signing up for another year of dance too - that starts next month but is just one day a week. Her and Lil Bro still have a tight bond.

MK:
She's doing great. She is a very careful, responsible driver now. She takes really good care of Lil Bro and they have become much closer this summer than ever before. That makes my heart happy and hers too. She was able to drive Hollywood to swimming the last couple of weeks instead of her having to ride public transportation. She also has driven herself to her friends' houses and the beach, and she works out with a friend of hers at the gym here and there too. I'm really proud of her.

She's signing up for dance again this year. I think she started in 2nd grade - she just loves it. She starts 11th grade soon. We have a meeting with her guidance counselor coming up to change a class around that she has. She signed up for a college course in English and has decided she doesn't want to take that one. She has another college level class already so her work load is going to be really heavy if she keeps both. We'll see what they say.

I have offered the kids 2/3 of all the proceeds from a garage sale if they will help (do most of the work) with getting things ready. There just are not enough hours in the day for me to do it. MK is all over it. We're shooting for Sept. 15th.

My mind is strong, but my heart is weak.

Our summer is flying by. I hate that. I wish I could just hang out with the kids and go on little get-aways with them. I love spending time with them. I'll have to start buying lottery tickets so I could do that!

I feel like I need to blog about something that happened over the weekend just because I can't get it out of my head and I really need to. So two years ago a man from my teenage years sought me out. I had always been attracted to him. But he had his eye on someone else. We were just friends back then. When he showed up at my house 2 years ago, he had been married for 20 years (I had been at his wedding even). He and his wife had split up a while before he found me again - she had moved on and was living with her boyfriend. We started seeing each other and I fell pretty hard for him. We were together for a bit over a year. It was a really good year. We had what I thought was a great relationship. He was good with the kids too. I fell in love with him. Then exactly one year ago today I found out he was not all I thought he was. He had been texting another woman behind my back and there were other things that came to light. I believe he had chemical issues that he hid from me too. He broke my trust and the night I found out about the other woman I told him to leave and never contact me again. He said very little that night and left without saying anything at all.

After we broke up, I had a person we both know bring his belongings back to him - a snowmobile, clothes, some other equipment he had here, and everything else that had been his. I changed my phone number about a week later after his ex-wife started harassing me. It was a mess and a very dark time for me emotionally.

I missed what we had. I missed falling asleep with my head on his chest at night. I missed laughing at the same stupid stuff with him. I missed everything. But I stayed strong and I healed. Eventually I stopped thinking of him daily. And I swore off men. I made a vow to myself not to date anyone for a year. I didn't trust my own judgement and I didn't want to drag my kids through anything like that again. They liked him. Especially Hollywood. She cried right along with me when we broke up. That broke my heart too.

So fast forward a year. Friday night the kids, my sister and I all hung out. We went out for pizza, came home and watched the Olympics. We went to bed late - about midnight or so. Just before I fell asleep I heard a banging. I thought maybe it was my sister cleaning her cat boxes out down in the basement. MK yelled to me to see what it was. I said I thought it was the cat boxes. MK looked out her window and said there was a truck in the driveway. I had no clue who it could be and I couldn't see the whole truck but whoever it was was banging on the door and window next to the door. I didn't answer and didn't turn on the lights. I waited for them to leave. They got in their truck, started it, turned on the lights, but didn't leave. I started to worry. I had my sister on her cell phone from the basement and we were debating about what to do. I decided to call my mom and her boyfriend to ask them - they live just 2 miles from me and could come quickly - quicker than the police could. The person came back to the door and was banging on it again while I was talking to my mom. I was really worried at this point. My mom and her boyfriend were on their way down to my house. I was on the cell phone with my mom when she pulled in the driveway - it was my ex boyfriend. At 1:00 am, pounding on my door after not having spoken to me in over a year. Who does that??? Someone who had some liquid courage at the local bar, I'm guessing.

To sum up what happened next - well, he wasn't there to harm me. He left as soon as my mom's boyfriend told him to. But he waited down the road near my mom's house to talk to them some more. He wanted to apologize to them and make it clear that he did not mean any harm....that he missed me and the girls. That he still loved me and didn't like the way things ended. He said he just wanted to talk to me. My mom's BF told him that this time of night was not a time to talk and that he scared the hell out of us and that my life was good and he can't be doing this stuff. He said he was sorry and blah blah blah.

So I'm left with questions. Why did he wait a year? Why now? Did he and his GF split up (I know that the woman he had been texting moved in with him after we split up) and he was just seeing if he could hook up with me? Will he try to talk to me again? After the way we split up I doubted that he ever loved me at all. I talked myself into believing that he never did really care for me and that I was just convenient for him to be with. Like free therapy. That theory didn't make a lot of sense since he helped me out with so many things, but it was easier to swallow than believing he loved me but then fell out of love with me.

In the end though, all the different scenarios lead to the same place. So what? Who cares? He most likely still has a chemical problem, he still has a crazy ex-wife, and he has broken my trust. It doesn't matter how attracted I was to him, how much we laughed together, or how much I loved him. He blew it and it will never be the same. He destroyed what we had and for me there is no going back. He is my EX boyfriend for a reason. I'm done getting my heart broken. When and IF I ever let anyone back in my life it is not going to be some one who has already broken my heart.

I wish he had not come. I liked thinking he was a heartless loser who never cared for me at all - that he just tricked me and I fell for a scammer. But to think that he loved me or that he still does....and that maybe the reason he did what he did had more to do with his addictions than it did me - that is a hard pill to swallow. I want to fix that. I want him to get help. I want to love him and be loved like I was before. I felt so safe when he was here - like I finally had found a guy I could stay with. I wish he had not come. Now I have to ignore the urge to run to him, to try to help him, to let him know I still love him too even when my head tells me he's nothing but bad for me. I have to stuff it all down - again. He should have just left me alone to think he never cared at all.

I know I can't fix him. I won't try to contact him. I'll struggle to stuff all the raw hurt and anger back down - back down into the box I worked a year to close. I just hope to God that he doesn't come back again. I don't know how strong I can be if he stands before me saying those things....the things I hoped so hard for a year ago. Men suck.