I'm going to try SparkPeople starting on Monday. It looks a lot like the eDiets plan that I used in 2003-2004 to lose 65 pounds (which I have gained all back plus more). It's free. I have nothing to lose except this tire I've been growing under my boobs. It's funny how my boobs stay the same size no matter how much weight I gain...but look smaller in comparison to my expanding waist line.
I had to buy new pants the other day. It was like shopping for clown pants. I'd look at the ones that I brought back to the dressing room (a size bigger than the last ginormous pants I bought) and hold them up - I swear you could fit two or three people in them. I thought they'd be hideously huge on me. Except they fit. OH. MY. GOSH. I wear clown-size pants now. The kind I used to snicker at as a teenager - "Like who would wear pants this big? If you were that big, wouldn't you go on a diet!? That is so gross!" Yep, that's me now. Wearin' clown pants. Except I'm short. So I'm like a short, fat, clown-pants wearing fat ass. Most of my weight is from just below by boobs (because God forbid I get a nice rack in the process of gaining 75 pounds) to about mid thigh. I guess that makes me apple-shaped. Or pig shaped. Whichever. I wear clown pants now. Time to get serious about losing weight. My. Gosh.
Losing weight is all good right? I hope I am not fat enough or have been fat for long enough to get the extra hangy skin thing if I do get this extra padding off. I worry about (everything) some things in respect to losing weight.
1) Will I look older or younger afterward? I may look older because right now I have almost no wrinkles and I'm damn near 40. Maybe I don't have any wrinkles because I'm all puffed up and they are pushed out right now.
2) Guys don't ever look at me any more....and if they do I instantly think "he's probably one of those guys that have a fat chick fetish." I don't like having men notice me...for some reason I feel obligated to go out with people who ask me out even if I don't really want to. Or at least I did in the million years ago when guys did notice me and ask me out. I (obviously) have the worst judgement when it comes to men so I'd prefer being a wall-flower and not getting attention. It's not like I'm so hot when I'm not fat....but I do get noticed because most men, I think, are not fussy.
3) How will I afford new clothes? I will be fine for about 40 pounds...then I'm screwed because the clothes that fit me over 40 pounds ago are out of style now...and are in the crawlspace marked for elimination.
Okay - I know what you're thinking....why worry about that crap when you probably will only stick to the latest diet for the usual 2 weeks anyway? Well that's easy....I'm a worrier by nature. I will worry about everything all the time....even stupid things that are far-fetched. But you never know. :) Guess I'll just cross that bridge when I come to it.
There are a lot of pluses to losing (again, obviously). Here are a few that come to mind (I apparently like numbered lists today).
1) My ass won't hang off he toilet seat on the sides.
2) I won't have to look at a chair before I sit on it to make sure I won't have one of those "what's this thing made out of" moments like on Shallow Hal. Or end up like this poor sap: http://youtu.be/2Ioo5_OLDCo OMGOSH. My sides hurt from laughing. That could be me. Did you do that on purpose?
3) I will be able to again hold my pop between my legs while driving (this would be handy since my cup holder is in the stupidest spot in the world in my crappy old car).
4) I can get clothes that actually look nice, not just get them because they fit.
5) I can stop wondering if my aches and pains are from being fat or some other reason.
6) I will have more self-confidence and maybe I would actually WANT to go out in public to socialize. I have not done that since my class reunion in October last year.
7) I will be able to take the kids horseback riding on our next South Dakota adventure and not worry about the horse's legs buckling and it going down in a heap of dust, breaking my leg in the process. I skipped the horseback riding on our last trip for that very reason.
There are lots more, but I'm done with my list now. Well - off to bed. The house is just too quiet since everyone else is sleeping. I feel left out. :D
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Too much to do.
My list of projects for this spring/summer is longer and requires more $ than I will have, I'm sure.
1) We acquired another small chicken coop - MK got it from her dad. She also saved up her money and begged me to let her get some more chicks. Long story short, she has them coming toward the end of May. The coop is in need of some TLC. Siding and paint mostly. I can buy the siding to match our other coop so it will look nice when we paint it. I'm hoping that it will cost under $60 for the siding since it is small and we used sort of cheaper stuff last time. I think I have one panel left from that too. Obviously I will stick with our color scheme of barn red and white trim.
2) I got 2 round posts to put our blue bird houses on. Hollywood made a birdhouse in school a year and a half ago that is still sitting around not being used. I borrowed a post-hole digger (the manual DIY kind that is probably older than I am) from my dad. Now I just have to figure out where I want them and put them up.
3) Put together the gazebo thing that I bought last summer. My ex-boyfriend was going to put it together for me until he opened the box, saw all the pieces, and decided it was too much work. I hope I can find all the pieces now. It's a cheaper one so I'm hoping it works. I got it on clearance at Target to put up on my deck which will make it more usable since the sun beats down on that side of the house all the time.
4) MK has made me promise to take a couple days off when they get out of school to do something that I did NOT expect her to want to do - organize our house. Ya - she is somewhat of a....perfectionist in her own room and I am somewhat of a.....slob. She would like to teach me a few tricks I guess. She wants me to just throw stuff away that has been stored in places like closets and the crawl space. She called me out - "you always say you will sell it but you never do, so just throw it away." LOL. I think I will just list the stuff on freecycle since we have a chapter in our area and leave it outside for the taking.
5) I'm still too broke to go on a real vacation with the kids this summer, but I think I'm going to reserve a camping cabin up north for a 4 day weekend. I have to do something. We all need the time away - we always have such a good time together like that. I have to remember that MK will be leaving the nest before I know it and I need to make a lot more memories for her before that happens. Sheesh - just thinking about her flying the coop makes me want to vomit.
That's just 5 things...I'm sure there are more but I don't want to think about any more right now.
1) We acquired another small chicken coop - MK got it from her dad. She also saved up her money and begged me to let her get some more chicks. Long story short, she has them coming toward the end of May. The coop is in need of some TLC. Siding and paint mostly. I can buy the siding to match our other coop so it will look nice when we paint it. I'm hoping that it will cost under $60 for the siding since it is small and we used sort of cheaper stuff last time. I think I have one panel left from that too. Obviously I will stick with our color scheme of barn red and white trim.
2) I got 2 round posts to put our blue bird houses on. Hollywood made a birdhouse in school a year and a half ago that is still sitting around not being used. I borrowed a post-hole digger (the manual DIY kind that is probably older than I am) from my dad. Now I just have to figure out where I want them and put them up.
3) Put together the gazebo thing that I bought last summer. My ex-boyfriend was going to put it together for me until he opened the box, saw all the pieces, and decided it was too much work. I hope I can find all the pieces now. It's a cheaper one so I'm hoping it works. I got it on clearance at Target to put up on my deck which will make it more usable since the sun beats down on that side of the house all the time.
4) MK has made me promise to take a couple days off when they get out of school to do something that I did NOT expect her to want to do - organize our house. Ya - she is somewhat of a....perfectionist in her own room and I am somewhat of a.....slob. She would like to teach me a few tricks I guess. She wants me to just throw stuff away that has been stored in places like closets and the crawl space. She called me out - "you always say you will sell it but you never do, so just throw it away." LOL. I think I will just list the stuff on freecycle since we have a chapter in our area and leave it outside for the taking.
5) I'm still too broke to go on a real vacation with the kids this summer, but I think I'm going to reserve a camping cabin up north for a 4 day weekend. I have to do something. We all need the time away - we always have such a good time together like that. I have to remember that MK will be leaving the nest before I know it and I need to make a lot more memories for her before that happens. Sheesh - just thinking about her flying the coop makes me want to vomit.
That's just 5 things...I'm sure there are more but I don't want to think about any more right now.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
A very special day
A certain someone had a birthday today - Hollywood. I took her out to get her hair and nails done and do a little shopping. Here is what our day looked like from my cell phone:
First stop - a local bakery for some cappuccino and a pastry.
Second Stop - the beauty shop for a new hairstyle:
Tada!
She got some copper highlights, layers, and bangs!
Next stop - one of our favorite places - OSAKA!
We ate way too much! I had a credit with Groupon so I paid for this dinner a long time ago - our bill came to $2.16 after my Groupon. Yay me!
Next stop - her very first time getting her nails and toes done, professionally!
The woman who did her nails was pregnant - her baby is due in June. I wish there wasn't such a language barrier, I would have liked to talk to her more. She did such a nice job! She added some flowers, etc. and they look great! You'll have to take my word for it since my camera on my phone doesn't do close-ups.
Lastly we stopped at the mall. We didn't buy anything while we were there. We were running short on time (and money). We did however look at the pet shop they have there. They are all so cute but we both felt sad thinking about where they came from and the whole puppy-mill deal that goes with it. Yet, there they are all stuffed into cages vying for attention. We also saw some very attractive cockatiel - one of whom rushed over to greet us and was just the cutest little thing ever. I've never owned a bird....too many cats around for that.
Anyway, Hollywood had a blast on her mom-daughter happy-birthday day! So did I. I heard quite a few "you're the best mom in the whole world" and "thank you so much!" compliments today. :)
When we got home from our adventure, Little brother was here waiting. I asked him if he liked Hollywood's hair and his response was so precious. He moved her hair from her shoulder and looked it over...and then he said, "It's wonderful!" Soooo sweet.
Pure awesomeness.
First stop - a local bakery for some cappuccino and a pastry.
Second Stop - the beauty shop for a new hairstyle:
Tada!
She got some copper highlights, layers, and bangs!
Next stop - one of our favorite places - OSAKA!
We ate way too much! I had a credit with Groupon so I paid for this dinner a long time ago - our bill came to $2.16 after my Groupon. Yay me!
Next stop - her very first time getting her nails and toes done, professionally!
The woman who did her nails was pregnant - her baby is due in June. I wish there wasn't such a language barrier, I would have liked to talk to her more. She did such a nice job! She added some flowers, etc. and they look great! You'll have to take my word for it since my camera on my phone doesn't do close-ups.
Lastly we stopped at the mall. We didn't buy anything while we were there. We were running short on time (and money). We did however look at the pet shop they have there. They are all so cute but we both felt sad thinking about where they came from and the whole puppy-mill deal that goes with it. Yet, there they are all stuffed into cages vying for attention. We also saw some very attractive cockatiel - one of whom rushed over to greet us and was just the cutest little thing ever. I've never owned a bird....too many cats around for that.
Anyway, Hollywood had a blast on her mom-daughter happy-birthday day! So did I. I heard quite a few "you're the best mom in the whole world" and "thank you so much!" compliments today. :)
When we got home from our adventure, Little brother was here waiting. I asked him if he liked Hollywood's hair and his response was so precious. He moved her hair from her shoulder and looked it over...and then he said, "It's wonderful!" Soooo sweet.
Pure awesomeness.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Easter Pictures
We had a nice Easter with family. Here are a few pictures from the Easter Egg Hunt:
Here Hollywood is just trying to help Lil Brother open his eggs....I just love her face below after he takes it away to add to his pile. LMAO.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Update...finally. :)
First the good stuff. Pictures. My mom came over and we painted Easter eggs on Tuesday. I bought over 4 dozen of them...yes we have chickens who lay plenty of eggs. Our chicken's eggs are brown - some of them pretty dark so they don't make for good painting. Besides...they are so fresh they are very hard to peel when you hard-boil them. So I bought 3) 18-packs and pulled all of our bantam eggs (small light colored eggs from small chickens) and boiled them all. We used 2 different dye packs too so we'd have plenty of colors. It's not fun to run out of eggs to paint. :)
Easter 2012, a set on Flickr.
What else is new....hmmmmm.....I don't know. I've been a bad blogger. Sometimes I'm just busy. I also don't like to blog until everyone is sleeping and some nights I have too much work to do (for my 2nd job) to take the time to write about feelings or thoughts...or anything. Plus I had a Farmville habit that I just kicked. I know...such a NERD! I don't care. We all need a little release now and then...I don't drink, smoke, or go to the casino...I play a little Farmville on FaceBook. LOL But it takes too much time and it is pretty lame. So I'm done...I have not been on there for over a week! Pat me on the back next time you see me. Hahahahahaha.
This is the part where I dump all my feelings and personal stuff out for all to see because I just don't know what to do with it.
I'm getting fatter. I hate that about me. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me but I've developed some bad habits (like eating too much, too often) that is packing on the pounds. It. Must. Stop. I have to get the tide turning the other way or I will surely explode. I'm too short to be this fat. It's yucky. I know part of it is that I just don't care about attracting anyone of the opposite sex. Part of me wants to repel them.
I actually had this stupid plan in January....the one where this would be MY year. The year I get trim and fit. The year I spend working on myself and NOT be with any men since I seem to have rotten judgement in that department. The year where I resisted the temptation to go back with my ex (Hollywood's dad). I even went so far as to plan (in my mind) my big 40th birthday bash I would have in November to celebrate at my friend's bar - I would be thin and dance with men half my age just because! I would feel great and look great! But the reality is the year is 1/4 over and I've lost not 1 stinking pound. I joined WW in February - that worked great for the 2 weeks I did it. Oink Oink. I lose a few pounds and then go into panic mode and quickly gain it all back and then some. WTF is wrong with me!!??!!
I have to say though - I did resist the temptation to go see my ex. He called last week. This is how much of a class act he is - he called the house phone all week trying to talk to Hollywood. She doesn't want to talk to him because she's pissed at him for running out all the time. I don't blame her. So anyway...she answered the phone by accident and he talks to her for a bit and then tells her to have me call him so he could "make plans". To do what? He didn't say. He also got a new phone number...so since I didn't call him, he was able to get through to my cell phone (I blocked his old number so he'd quit calling me). He asked if he could drop off Hollywood's b-day present. He was either going to meet us Friday or Sunday. He never did either one...guess things didn't go his way over the weekend.
Saturday he started texting me and telling me he wants to be with me, get serious, he'll do anything to be with me....he asked me to go to Vegas with him and his friends next week...told me he'd buy me a ring when he gets his taxes back....etc. I told him he should find someone younger who could have babies with him since I still can't (that's the excuse he used last time he left me). Then he called me and asked me to come out to dinner with him, bring the kids the next day, blah blah blah...said he realized that I'm the one he wants and now things will be better because he is sure about us and on and on. I told him that just because he has thought about how HE feels doesn't mean anything to the rest of us. He obviously didn't give any thought to how WE feel...nothing has changed from OUR perspective....not to the child of mine who he turned on in South Dakota...the child of ours who was scared of him because of that...but who let him back in her life last year only to have him leave again...and me - the one who lets him use me for a door mat when he's in between girlfriends. The ugly truth is that he's mentally ill. I don't know what's wrong with him clinically, but I know living with him is impossible and I will not sacrifice my kids' comfort or my own happiness to help him or let him back into our lives. The bridge is burned, asshole. Move on. So it's back to blocking him.
I think part of it is that I feel sorry for him. I have the kind of personality that takes care of people, things, etc. I've always taken care of things...from my little brother and sister, farm animals, pets, whatever...on to my own kids...and boyfriends. Yuck. I feel obligated to him for some reason...like I'm the big bitch who is keeping him from having a family. But this is MY family damn it! He may have helped to create one of my three children, but I raised them and did all of the work without any help from him. This is MY family and I'm not letting him in to damage them. He has no clue how to raise kids and he says/does all the wrong things. I could go on and on...but I feel better getting that off my chest.
I think that's enough yuck for today. I'm tired just thinking about all of it. In other news, work is going great. TONS of responsibility and I think I'm handling it well. I like it. I also work with a really great group of people. There are a couple of them who make it so fun - we're good friends and I just feel comfortable there. I thank God in every prayer for this job. I'm still behind on my bills...but I'll get there...just a lot more slowly than I hoped.
What else is new....hmmmmm.....I don't know. I've been a bad blogger. Sometimes I'm just busy. I also don't like to blog until everyone is sleeping and some nights I have too much work to do (for my 2nd job) to take the time to write about feelings or thoughts...or anything. Plus I had a Farmville habit that I just kicked. I know...such a NERD! I don't care. We all need a little release now and then...I don't drink, smoke, or go to the casino...I play a little Farmville on FaceBook. LOL But it takes too much time and it is pretty lame. So I'm done...I have not been on there for over a week! Pat me on the back next time you see me. Hahahahahaha.
This is the part where I dump all my feelings and personal stuff out for all to see because I just don't know what to do with it.
I'm getting fatter. I hate that about me. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me but I've developed some bad habits (like eating too much, too often) that is packing on the pounds. It. Must. Stop. I have to get the tide turning the other way or I will surely explode. I'm too short to be this fat. It's yucky. I know part of it is that I just don't care about attracting anyone of the opposite sex. Part of me wants to repel them.
I actually had this stupid plan in January....the one where this would be MY year. The year I get trim and fit. The year I spend working on myself and NOT be with any men since I seem to have rotten judgement in that department. The year where I resisted the temptation to go back with my ex (Hollywood's dad). I even went so far as to plan (in my mind) my big 40th birthday bash I would have in November to celebrate at my friend's bar - I would be thin and dance with men half my age just because! I would feel great and look great! But the reality is the year is 1/4 over and I've lost not 1 stinking pound. I joined WW in February - that worked great for the 2 weeks I did it. Oink Oink. I lose a few pounds and then go into panic mode and quickly gain it all back and then some. WTF is wrong with me!!??!!
I have to say though - I did resist the temptation to go see my ex. He called last week. This is how much of a class act he is - he called the house phone all week trying to talk to Hollywood. She doesn't want to talk to him because she's pissed at him for running out all the time. I don't blame her. So anyway...she answered the phone by accident and he talks to her for a bit and then tells her to have me call him so he could "make plans". To do what? He didn't say. He also got a new phone number...so since I didn't call him, he was able to get through to my cell phone (I blocked his old number so he'd quit calling me). He asked if he could drop off Hollywood's b-day present. He was either going to meet us Friday or Sunday. He never did either one...guess things didn't go his way over the weekend.
Saturday he started texting me and telling me he wants to be with me, get serious, he'll do anything to be with me....he asked me to go to Vegas with him and his friends next week...told me he'd buy me a ring when he gets his taxes back....etc. I told him he should find someone younger who could have babies with him since I still can't (that's the excuse he used last time he left me). Then he called me and asked me to come out to dinner with him, bring the kids the next day, blah blah blah...said he realized that I'm the one he wants and now things will be better because he is sure about us and on and on. I told him that just because he has thought about how HE feels doesn't mean anything to the rest of us. He obviously didn't give any thought to how WE feel...nothing has changed from OUR perspective....not to the child of mine who he turned on in South Dakota...the child of ours who was scared of him because of that...but who let him back in her life last year only to have him leave again...and me - the one who lets him use me for a door mat when he's in between girlfriends. The ugly truth is that he's mentally ill. I don't know what's wrong with him clinically, but I know living with him is impossible and I will not sacrifice my kids' comfort or my own happiness to help him or let him back into our lives. The bridge is burned, asshole. Move on. So it's back to blocking him.
I think part of it is that I feel sorry for him. I have the kind of personality that takes care of people, things, etc. I've always taken care of things...from my little brother and sister, farm animals, pets, whatever...on to my own kids...and boyfriends. Yuck. I feel obligated to him for some reason...like I'm the big bitch who is keeping him from having a family. But this is MY family damn it! He may have helped to create one of my three children, but I raised them and did all of the work without any help from him. This is MY family and I'm not letting him in to damage them. He has no clue how to raise kids and he says/does all the wrong things. I could go on and on...but I feel better getting that off my chest.
I think that's enough yuck for today. I'm tired just thinking about all of it. In other news, work is going great. TONS of responsibility and I think I'm handling it well. I like it. I also work with a really great group of people. There are a couple of them who make it so fun - we're good friends and I just feel comfortable there. I thank God in every prayer for this job. I'm still behind on my bills...but I'll get there...just a lot more slowly than I hoped.
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