What's this thing made out of?

I'm going to try SparkPeople starting on Monday. It looks a lot like the eDiets plan that I used in 2003-2004 to lose 65 pounds (which I have gained all back plus more). It's free. I have nothing to lose except this tire I've been growing under my boobs. It's funny how my boobs stay the same size no matter how much weight I gain...but look smaller in comparison to my expanding waist line.

I had to buy new pants the other day. It was like shopping for clown pants. I'd look at the ones that I brought back to the dressing room (a size bigger than the last ginormous pants I bought) and hold them up - I swear you could fit two or three people in them. I thought they'd be hideously huge on me. Except they fit. OH. MY. GOSH. I wear clown-size pants now. The kind I used to snicker at as a teenager - "Like who would wear pants this big? If you were that big, wouldn't you go on a diet!? That is so gross!" Yep, that's me now. Wearin' clown pants. Except I'm short. So I'm like a short, fat, clown-pants wearing fat ass. Most of my weight is from just below by boobs (because God forbid I get a nice rack in the process of gaining 75 pounds) to about mid thigh. I guess that makes me apple-shaped. Or pig shaped. Whichever. I wear clown pants now. Time to get serious about losing weight. My. Gosh.

Losing weight is all good right? I hope I am not fat enough or have been fat for long enough to get the extra hangy skin thing if I do get this extra padding off. I worry about (everything) some things in respect to losing weight.

1) Will I look older or younger afterward? I may look older because right now I have almost no wrinkles and I'm damn near 40. Maybe I don't have any wrinkles because I'm all puffed up and they are pushed out right now.

2) Guys don't ever look at me any more....and if they do I instantly think "he's probably one of those guys that have a fat chick fetish." I don't like having men notice me...for some reason I feel obligated to go out with people who ask me out even if I don't really want to. Or at least I did in the million years ago when guys did notice me and ask me out. I (obviously) have the worst judgement when it comes to men so I'd prefer being a wall-flower and not getting attention. It's not like I'm so hot when I'm not fat....but I do get noticed because most men, I think, are not fussy.

3) How will I afford new clothes? I will be fine for about 40 pounds...then I'm screwed because the clothes that fit me over 40 pounds ago are out of style now...and are in the crawlspace marked for elimination.

Okay - I know what you're thinking....why worry about that crap when you probably will only stick to the latest diet for the usual 2 weeks anyway? Well that's easy....I'm a worrier by nature. I will worry about everything all the time....even stupid things that are far-fetched. But you never know. :)  Guess I'll just cross that bridge when I come to it.

There are a lot of pluses to losing (again, obviously). Here are a few that come to mind (I apparently like numbered lists today).

1) My ass won't hang off he toilet seat on the sides.

2) I won't have to look at a chair before I sit on it to make sure I won't have one of those "what's this thing made out of" moments like on Shallow Hal.  Or end up like this poor sap: http://youtu.be/2Ioo5_OLDCo OMGOSH. My sides hurt from laughing. That could be me. Did you do that on purpose?

3) I will be able to again hold my pop between my legs while driving (this would be handy since my cup holder is in the stupidest spot in the world in my crappy old car).

4) I can get clothes that actually look nice, not just get them because they fit.

5) I can stop wondering if my aches and pains are from being fat or some other reason.

6) I will have more self-confidence and maybe I would actually WANT to go out in public to socialize. I have not done that since my class reunion in October last year.

7) I will be able to take the kids horseback riding on our next South Dakota adventure and not worry about the horse's legs buckling and it going down in a heap of dust, breaking my leg in the process. I skipped the horseback riding on our last trip for that very reason.

There are lots more, but I'm done with my list now. Well - off to bed. The house is just too quiet since everyone else is sleeping. I feel left out. :D