What's this thing made out of?

I'm going to try SparkPeople starting on Monday. It looks a lot like the eDiets plan that I used in 2003-2004 to lose 65 pounds (which I have gained all back plus more). It's free. I have nothing to lose except this tire I've been growing under my boobs. It's funny how my boobs stay the same size no matter how much weight I gain...but look smaller in comparison to my expanding waist line.

I had to buy new pants the other day. It was like shopping for clown pants. I'd look at the ones that I brought back to the dressing room (a size bigger than the last ginormous pants I bought) and hold them up - I swear you could fit two or three people in them. I thought they'd be hideously huge on me. Except they fit. OH. MY. GOSH. I wear clown-size pants now. The kind I used to snicker at as a teenager - "Like who would wear pants this big? If you were that big, wouldn't you go on a diet!? That is so gross!" Yep, that's me now. Wearin' clown pants. Except I'm short. So I'm like a short, fat, clown-pants wearing fat ass. Most of my weight is from just below by boobs (because God forbid I get a nice rack in the process of gaining 75 pounds) to about mid thigh. I guess that makes me apple-shaped. Or pig shaped. Whichever. I wear clown pants now. Time to get serious about losing weight. My. Gosh.

Losing weight is all good right? I hope I am not fat enough or have been fat for long enough to get the extra hangy skin thing if I do get this extra padding off. I worry about (everything) some things in respect to losing weight.

1) Will I look older or younger afterward? I may look older because right now I have almost no wrinkles and I'm damn near 40. Maybe I don't have any wrinkles because I'm all puffed up and they are pushed out right now.

2) Guys don't ever look at me any more....and if they do I instantly think "he's probably one of those guys that have a fat chick fetish." I don't like having men notice me...for some reason I feel obligated to go out with people who ask me out even if I don't really want to. Or at least I did in the million years ago when guys did notice me and ask me out. I (obviously) have the worst judgement when it comes to men so I'd prefer being a wall-flower and not getting attention. It's not like I'm so hot when I'm not fat....but I do get noticed because most men, I think, are not fussy.

3) How will I afford new clothes? I will be fine for about 40 pounds...then I'm screwed because the clothes that fit me over 40 pounds ago are out of style now...and are in the crawlspace marked for elimination.

Okay - I know what you're thinking....why worry about that crap when you probably will only stick to the latest diet for the usual 2 weeks anyway? Well that's easy....I'm a worrier by nature. I will worry about everything all the time....even stupid things that are far-fetched. But you never know. :)  Guess I'll just cross that bridge when I come to it.

There are a lot of pluses to losing (again, obviously). Here are a few that come to mind (I apparently like numbered lists today).

1) My ass won't hang off he toilet seat on the sides.

2) I won't have to look at a chair before I sit on it to make sure I won't have one of those "what's this thing made out of" moments like on Shallow Hal.  Or end up like this poor sap: http://youtu.be/2Ioo5_OLDCo OMGOSH. My sides hurt from laughing. That could be me. Did you do that on purpose?

3) I will be able to again hold my pop between my legs while driving (this would be handy since my cup holder is in the stupidest spot in the world in my crappy old car).

4) I can get clothes that actually look nice, not just get them because they fit.

5) I can stop wondering if my aches and pains are from being fat or some other reason.

6) I will have more self-confidence and maybe I would actually WANT to go out in public to socialize. I have not done that since my class reunion in October last year.

7) I will be able to take the kids horseback riding on our next South Dakota adventure and not worry about the horse's legs buckling and it going down in a heap of dust, breaking my leg in the process. I skipped the horseback riding on our last trip for that very reason.

There are lots more, but I'm done with my list now. Well - off to bed. The house is just too quiet since everyone else is sleeping. I feel left out. :D

So - how is your life? Mine's pretty good right now. I have taken a step in the right direction with my weight. I want this year to be my year - the year I lose all this fat and get to a much healthier weight. I joined Weight Watchers on Feb 1st. My mom and MK joined too. I've been doing really good at it. I just had my 2nd weigh in and I'm down 10.4 pounds total. I try not to think about how much more I have to go...too depressing. So I set smaller goals for myself...like losing 20 pounds to start from here....and then I have numbers I want to get to..numbers I remember being at before I gained...numbers on my way down to what they set my goal weight to be. Honestly, I don't care if I don't get all the way to the goal weight for me. I'd be happy at about 13 pounds more than they say...but I'm going to shoot for the goal anyway and re-evaluate along the way. I feel so much better already...just finally seeing the scale going down instead of up.

We've been passing colds around here...so right now MK is pretty sick..sore throat and cough. Lil Brother is getting better and Hollywood is also a lot better...for those 2 it was short-lived, so I'm hoping that's the case for MK. I have the littlest bit of discomfort in my throat that just started tonight. So I guess I'm next. Boo! Hiss!

Today we had Lil Brother's check up for his teeth. The pediatric dentist told me that his mouth was the 2nd smallest he's ever seen or had to work on. He stressed that it was really difficult to get in there...and I translate that into "save up for braces in about 7 or 8 years". He said that the caps look good...I've been too delicate in the brushing since he's had the work done though so I guess I can be more aggressive now. I've been scared to brush too hard...I felt terrible the first few times I brushed and he said it hurt. Now he just has to go back for check ups every 6 months and it should be good.

The hygenist that was working in another booth noticed Lil Bro's Angry Bird he had with him...she started to tell us about another little guy who brought 2 Angry Bird pigs in to surgery with him...and then she said - "Wait - was that you?" It was. Lil Bro had brought his 2 Angry Bird pigs in with him and she said they all thought it was so cute. :)

Part of my weight loss strategy is to get more sleep than the 5 or 6 hours a night I usually get (and drink more milk). So - I'm off for now. Goodnight.

Introduction

So, here I am. All these years of my life have gone by and here I am. Late 30's. Single - still. 3 children. Dreams I used to have...passing me by. And yet, here I am. You don't get a do-over...this is my life. Where do I go from here? Where to start? What is this blog even for? Me. It's for me. I'll tell you what I think and you may not like it. I'm done giving a rip what people think. If there is one thing I have learned - it's that you can't please everyone and sometimes you can't please anyone. So what? Who cares?

The recession has hit me personally...although I don't blame the economy for me going broke. I built up stellar credit for all of my adult life...built a house, owned a nice vehicle, had nice things...and then lost my job I'd had for over a decade when the company went under. I found another job right away...for less money...and even that pay declined when the new company was hit by the recession as well. I fell behind on everything. I still have my home...but barely. I'm a month behind on my mortgage and can't seem to get caught up. But I keep trying. I have 3 little lives that depend on me so failure is not an option.

You know what pisses me off? Everything lately. Lazy people. People who sit around bitching about their lives or being broke but yet they come home from their job and sit around watching TV or on the computer. How about you go get another job? I have 3. One full time and 2 part time. I can't possibly work any more than I do already. I don't sleep much and I don't watch TV. This blog here - this is my outlet....so hang on, it may be a rough ride.

I decided there is only one way to go from here - up. I need a life makeover. I'm too poor to buy help with that (think life coach)....so I'm going it alone. And I might just take my whole family with me. I need a new body...I've abused mine and the wear is showing...as is the fast food meals eaten in my car during the many hours a week I spend commuting. I also need a financial makeover. I make decent money. I spend it too fast. I need to control that. So this is my journey...to a healthy checkbook and body. I have always had a plan for my life...and now all my plans are shot to hell. I need a new plan. And this is it. I can do anything I set my mind to...and I will. I just have to figure out exactly how.