Sorrow.

My grandmother was laid to rest on January 14th, next to my grandpa. The funeral service was very nice, if one can be. It was very personal, with laughter and lots of tears. My brother, sister, SIL, 2 cousins and I were the pallbearers. Our family is small, we were the only ones that there were really to pick from.

I still struggle with sadness from losing her. Not just her, but the people I've lost before her and the people I will lose before I die myself. The thought is terrifying to me. I know it is a part of life...but I hate it. I suppose we all do. I feel like I'm a really strong person in almost all things. I probably only cry twice a year under normal "life" circumstances. But the one area that I feel like a giant bowl of mush is in dealing with death and loss. I don't have the right tools in my tool box to fix that or deal with it properly. I feel helpless and angry.

My most significant losses prior to this were of my two best friends, Amy and Mike. I lost Amy when we were 25 to a car accident. I lost Mike when he was 32 to a heart attack (most likely brought on by the stress of finding out he had cancer). Mike is/was the God-father of my oldest daughter. And now my grandma. My grandma wasn't just someone I saw a few times a year. I lived with her when I was a young child (along with my mom), and then again when I was 21 until I bought my first home at age 24 or so. She loved me and supported me and all the things I wanted to do. We got along so well and she was the best cook ever. She was funny and kind. She knew practically everyone in the town we lived in. Even as life got crazy busy for me and she moved to a care facility, there was never a week that went by without us spending time with her. She leaves a hole in my heart.

I feel really bad for my mom and aunt M. too. They were with her each and every day. She was loved. They took care of her. Their lives were altered around her needs for the last few years. And now they don't have her to take care of. She was their mom...of my aunt A. too of course. I can't imagine the size of the hole that leaves. Even if there is some comfort in knowing she's done struggling.

Introduction

So, here I am. All these years of my life have gone by and here I am. Late 30's. Single - still. 3 children. Dreams I used to have...passing me by. And yet, here I am. You don't get a do-over...this is my life. Where do I go from here? Where to start? What is this blog even for? Me. It's for me. I'll tell you what I think and you may not like it. I'm done giving a rip what people think. If there is one thing I have learned - it's that you can't please everyone and sometimes you can't please anyone. So what? Who cares?

The recession has hit me personally...although I don't blame the economy for me going broke. I built up stellar credit for all of my adult life...built a house, owned a nice vehicle, had nice things...and then lost my job I'd had for over a decade when the company went under. I found another job right away...for less money...and even that pay declined when the new company was hit by the recession as well. I fell behind on everything. I still have my home...but barely. I'm a month behind on my mortgage and can't seem to get caught up. But I keep trying. I have 3 little lives that depend on me so failure is not an option.

You know what pisses me off? Everything lately. Lazy people. People who sit around bitching about their lives or being broke but yet they come home from their job and sit around watching TV or on the computer. How about you go get another job? I have 3. One full time and 2 part time. I can't possibly work any more than I do already. I don't sleep much and I don't watch TV. This blog here - this is my outlet....so hang on, it may be a rough ride.

I decided there is only one way to go from here - up. I need a life makeover. I'm too poor to buy help with that (think life coach)....so I'm going it alone. And I might just take my whole family with me. I need a new body...I've abused mine and the wear is showing...as is the fast food meals eaten in my car during the many hours a week I spend commuting. I also need a financial makeover. I make decent money. I spend it too fast. I need to control that. So this is my journey...to a healthy checkbook and body. I have always had a plan for my life...and now all my plans are shot to hell. I need a new plan. And this is it. I can do anything I set my mind to...and I will. I just have to figure out exactly how.