I still struggle with sadness from losing her. Not just her, but the people I've lost before her and the people I will lose before I die myself. The thought is terrifying to me. I know it is a part of life...but I hate it. I suppose we all do. I feel like I'm a really strong person in almost all things. I probably only cry twice a year under normal "life" circumstances. But the one area that I feel like a giant bowl of mush is in dealing with death and loss. I don't have the right tools in my tool box to fix that or deal with it properly. I feel helpless and angry.
My most significant losses prior to this were of my two best friends, Amy and Mike. I lost Amy when we were 25 to a car accident. I lost Mike when he was 32 to a heart attack (most likely brought on by the stress of finding out he had cancer). Mike is/was the God-father of my oldest daughter. And now my grandma. My grandma wasn't just someone I saw a few times a year. I lived with her when I was a young child (along with my mom), and then again when I was 21 until I bought my first home at age 24 or so. She loved me and supported me and all the things I wanted to do. We got along so well and she was the best cook ever. She was funny and kind. She knew practically everyone in the town we lived in. Even as life got crazy busy for me and she moved to a care facility, there was never a week that went by without us spending time with her. She leaves a hole in my heart.
I feel really bad for my mom and aunt M. too. They were with her each and every day. She was loved. They took care of her. Their lives were altered around her needs for the last few years. And now they don't have her to take care of. She was their mom...of my aunt A. too of course. I can't imagine the size of the hole that leaves. Even if there is some comfort in knowing she's done struggling.
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