Sadness.

This post is sad. And mostly for me. To vent. To get it out. You can skip it. I would if I were you.

My grandma is not going to make it. Everything went wrong for her. She developed pneumonia while she was in the hospital and everything just started piling up..as in she started down a road that is not she is not going to recover from. She's too weak, too fragile to save. She cannot physically handle the procedures that they would have had to do to save her if she were stronger. So they stopped. They are just trying to make her comfortable now. She's in hospice. It's bad. The worst.

I'm so sad and angry. I don't know why I'm angry...other than because she has to suffer. And I am not handling this well. I internalize the pain. With the kids and work I have places I need to be. Or excuses I can use. I'm alone in the office this week while my bosses are all out in DC. I have to handle everything. Part of me is thankful for the distraction. Part of me thinks I should be sitting in her room with her, holding her hand like my mom and aunt are. But I can't. Not because of work. I can't because I don't want to be there. It hurts too much. I don't want to see it. I don't want to watch the slow deterioration of life that is happening as we all sit around and wait...for death.

I have been there each day, but only briefly since Saturday. Today was the worst. It's like she's down to just the basic life functions, and they are becoming difficult too. Breathe in, breathe out. Labored. Gurgly. I can't stand it. The sound haunts me. I wanted to roll around on the floor and cry, scream, something. Every fiber of my being wanted to run from the room. I wanted to go out. To get away from the noise. From the sight. So frail. So...near death. But I just sat there. Trying to hold it in. Letting only a few tears escape down my cheeks. I kept the kids out in the waiting room. I want to shield them from this. They saw her yesterday. She was much more peaceful then. Now she is still asleep, but struggling.

I can't let it out of me. So stupid stuff happens. Like panic attacks where I feel like I'm having a heart attack. I stood outside in my nightgown for a good 10 minutes, freezing, just so I could feel something other than this suffocating feeling of hopelessness. I keep feeling like I'm getting numb. Literally, my face in patches and my legs feel numb like they're asleep. I don't know what the hell that is from, but I'm sure it is another way the stress is seeping out. I can cry while I sit here typing so this is probably good.

I guess I was hoping for a miracle. That they would take the life-saving measures away and something would kick in on it's own. She'd just wake up and eat and drink and get well. I was hanging on to that. But tonight, it's gone. There is no hope. There is only a small amount of time left and she will be here no more. It hurts. I know she'll be better off. I hold on to the thought that she'll be back with the man she loved so much, who was taken from her when he was just 47. My grandpa. I have to believe in that.

She has not been "well" for a few years now but even so every now and then you would catch a glimpse of that feisty Norwegian woman who made me laugh and loved me so much. I could feel it...in everything she did. From saving the ends of her famous ginger snap cookie dough for me to helping with tuition at college. My oldest daughter and I lived with her until I was able to buy my first home. She loved us being with her. I used to love taking her out to eat and the kids adored their "Nana B". She loved me and I will miss her for the rest of my life. I pray for peace for her. For the end of her suffering. If she cannot get well, please let her go peacefully.