Update...finally. :)

First the good stuff. Pictures. My mom came over and we painted Easter eggs on Tuesday. I bought over 4 dozen of them...yes we have chickens who lay plenty of eggs. Our chicken's eggs are brown - some of them pretty dark so they don't make for good painting. Besides...they are so fresh they are very hard to peel when you hard-boil them. So I bought 3) 18-packs and pulled all of our bantam eggs (small light colored eggs from small chickens) and boiled them all. We used 2 different dye packs too so we'd have plenty of colors. It's not fun to run out of eggs to paint. :)

Easter 2012, a set on Flickr.

What else is new....hmmmmm.....I don't know. I've been a bad blogger. Sometimes I'm just busy. I also don't like to blog until everyone is sleeping and some nights I have too much work to do (for my 2nd job) to take the time to write about feelings or thoughts...or anything. Plus I had a Farmville habit that I just kicked. I know...such a NERD! I don't care. We all need a little release now and then...I don't drink, smoke, or go to the casino...I play a little Farmville on FaceBook. LOL But it takes too much time and it is pretty lame. So I'm done...I have not been on there for over a week! Pat me on the back next time you see me. Hahahahahaha.

This is the part where I dump all my feelings and personal stuff out for all to see because I just don't know what to do with it.

I'm getting fatter. I hate that about me. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me but I've developed some bad habits (like eating too much, too often) that is packing on the pounds. It. Must. Stop. I have to get the tide turning the other way or I will surely explode. I'm too short to be this fat. It's yucky. I know part of it is that I just don't care about attracting anyone of the opposite sex. Part of me wants to repel them.

I actually had this stupid plan in January....the one where this would be MY year. The year I get trim and fit. The year I spend working on myself and NOT be with any men since I seem to have rotten judgement in that department. The year where I resisted the temptation to go back with my ex (Hollywood's dad). I even went so far as to plan (in my mind) my big 40th birthday bash I would have in November to celebrate at my friend's bar - I would be thin and dance with men half my age just because! I would feel great and look great! But the reality is the year is 1/4 over and I've lost not 1 stinking pound. I joined WW in February - that worked great for the 2 weeks I did it. Oink Oink. I lose a few pounds and then go into panic mode and quickly gain it all back and then some. WTF is wrong with me!!??!!

I have to say though - I did resist the temptation to go see my ex. He called last week. This is how much of a class act he is - he called the house phone all week trying to talk to Hollywood. She doesn't want to talk to him because she's pissed at him for running out all the time. I don't blame her. So anyway...she answered the phone by accident and he talks to her for a bit and then tells her to have me call him so he could "make plans". To do what? He didn't say. He also got a new phone number...so since I didn't call him, he was able to get through to my cell phone (I blocked his old number so he'd quit calling me). He asked if he could drop off Hollywood's b-day present. He was either going to meet us Friday or Sunday. He never did either one...guess things didn't go his way over the weekend.

Saturday he started texting me and telling me he wants to be with me, get serious, he'll do anything to be with me....he asked me to go to Vegas with him and his friends next week...told me he'd buy me a ring when he gets his taxes back....etc. I told him he should find someone younger who could have babies with him since I still can't (that's the excuse he used last time he left me). Then he called me and asked me to come out to dinner with him, bring the kids the next day, blah blah blah...said he realized that I'm the one he wants and now things will be better because he is sure about us and on and on. I told him that just because he has thought about how HE feels doesn't mean anything to the rest of us. He obviously didn't give any thought to how WE feel...nothing has changed from OUR perspective....not to the child of mine who he turned on in South Dakota...the child of ours who was scared of him because of that...but who let him back in her life last year only to have him leave again...and me - the one who lets him use me for a door mat when he's in between girlfriends. The ugly truth is that he's mentally ill. I don't know what's wrong with him clinically, but I know living with him is impossible and I will not sacrifice my kids' comfort or my own happiness to help him or let him back into our lives. The bridge is burned, asshole. Move on. So it's back to blocking him.

I think part of it is that I feel sorry for him. I have the kind of personality that takes care of people, things, etc. I've always taken care of things...from my little brother and sister, farm animals, pets, whatever...on to my own kids...and boyfriends. Yuck. I feel obligated to him for some reason...like I'm the big bitch who is keeping him from having a family. But this is MY family damn it! He may have helped to create one of my three children, but I raised them and did all of the work without any help from him. This is MY family and I'm not letting him in to damage them. He has no clue how to raise kids and he says/does all the wrong things. I could go on and on...but I feel better getting that off my chest.

I think that's enough yuck for today. I'm tired just thinking about all of it. In other news, work is going great. TONS of responsibility and I think I'm handling it well. I like it. I also work with a really great group of people. There are a couple of them who make it so fun - we're good friends and I just feel comfortable there. I thank God in every prayer for this job. I'm still behind on my bills...but I'll get there...just a lot more slowly than I hoped.