Poor Lil Bro got sick after the fair. Not from the fair, but I could tell he was coming down with something the day before. He's normally happy-go-lucky all the time but he was not himself Sunday night. I brought him in to the doctor on Monday morning and he has an ear infection. He was running 102+ in fever Sunday evening through the night Monday night. But today was better.
He decided he doesn't like Amoxicilin. I think it is because it's not pink. For some reason we got a generic that isn't colored pink. He associates it with a medicine he doesn't like so I was fighting to get him to take it. I even called the pharmacy to talk to them about it. They told me I could put food coloring in it if it would help. I tried blue - told Lil Bro it was blue raspberry candy (on a spoon). I asked all the kids, "Who wants some blue raspberry candy!??" The girls played along and they all came running in. I gave it to Lil Bro first (and last - hahaha). He loved it. He told me how good it was and asked if he could have more. HA! He loved his bedtime dose too. Yay me!
Tomorrow everyone goes back to school and daycare. :( The girls did so well taking care of Lil Bro this summer. I know he just loved staying home with them. I think he'll eat a lot better at daycare, but he sure loved sleeping in and playing at home all day. I found out we qualify for a scholarship for preschool. That starts soon too. Lil Bro's orientation for that is on Thursday. There's so much going on this week!
I've been feeling a little blue lately. Gee, can't imagine why. ;) It hits me at odd times. Some days I can't quit thinking about my recent ex boyfriend - replaying things that we did together and things he said to me. It's hard to believe he lied to me about most things. I don't understand how or why some one would pretend they love you for a whole year. He didn't get that much out of me - love and laughter mostly. I never gave him money or anything like that. We have the same sense of humor (if he wasn't faking that too) so we loved the same movies and I laughed so hard sometimes at stuff he would come up with or at movies we watched together. He told me that he had never felt this close to anyone before - not even his ex who he was married to for over 20 years. He said I made him feel good about himself when she had always put him down and belittled him. He lied. He said he loved me, that he could see himself with me forever. I have to keep telling myself that he lied. I don't know where the truth stops and the lies begin. They are all intertwined. I feel mostly anger now. Mad at him, mad at myself for...I don't know. Mostly mad at him.
My low-self-esteem part of me feels like since he was so handsome (in my opinion) I should have known better than to think he would want me. I'm fat. I have stretch marks and a mushy belly. My thighs are yucky. I have an extra chin if I'm not extending my neck. I'm getting old. When I laugh my face looks weird and I can see where all my wrinkles will be when I'm an old lady. My hair is getting thinner. I have to use a depilatory on my upper lip. And I have one single dark hair that keeps growing back on my chin. I pluck it constantly. See? Who would want to put up with all that? That's why you're supposed to get married when you're young and....not mushy I guess. I think it is just hard to look at myself through his eyes after hearing things he said about me to others after we broke up. Hurtful things.
I went to a BBQ for my daughter's father's sister (Hollywood's dad's sister - we're close) shortly after the split with the liar. She's getting married to a really sweet guy and it was an engagement party. She is just the sweetest girl ever and he is really great too. Hollywood's dad was there. Why is it that he's always there to swoop in when I'm feeling low? He knows I'm single again. He talked to me most of the time I was there. He even pulled MK aside and said he was sorry to her for the things he said way-back-when (when I put him on the greyhound bus during family vacation in SD). He was sweet to Hollywood and didn't smother Lil Bro. He acted like he should - like he should have been doing all along when we were together. Hollywood said she was happy that he was so nice to her. Ya, it should have been that way all along.
I've been talking to him here and there since the BBQ. He tells me how beautiful I am, how much he still cares for me, how he is sorry for his stupid behavior back then (first time he admitted what he did was wrong), that he wants another chance to be in our lives and to show me he has changed. He explained his "logic" back then - and why he was so unhappy leading up to the trip. It's been a real eye opener. I think sometimes the worlds we came from are just too far apart. He's Vietnamese and was raised in a culture that is very, very different than mine when it comes to views and attitudes about many things. That was part of the wedge between us before. He has a hard time communicating feelings (like many men do) but the feelings are there even if he didn't talk about them. Instead, it built up until it became a big ball of resentment, feeling overlooked, powerless and unappreciated. I have a strong personality and strong opinions about things I believe in. I see black and white when sometimes it isn't that simple. I'm used to being in charge and for a man from his background, that's a hard pill to swallow.
For now, the attention is a boost for me. It helps offset all the self-hate I felt after seeing myself the way the liar said he saw me. But they always say what they have to say to get back in...and then go back to the old ways. Sometimes I wish I could let him back in...wish I believed that he changed. But they don't change. And they lie.
After reading this...I sound like a big whiner who hates things about myself but doesn't do anything about them. I like me. I just need to improve me. Not for a man, but for myself. I like who I am on the inside, and that matters most. I need to find the will power to make the lifestyle changes that I need to make. And that is a hard thing to do.
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